Fantasies in my life want to corrupt the real. They are not from God. They want to kill me. It’s the highest form of selfishness relating to my life during a 24-hour period. They are an enormous danger to my freedom. So I pray to God and beg him to give me the program actions during the day to live in the real world—not in fantasy. The White Book says on page 24: “I found something better than lust—reality.”

If I respond to God’s love, I perform good deeds during the day. Sometimes it’s difficult, I want to bring in something from my old way of thinking. But the more I connect with Him, the better my day.

During my sobriety, I came to understand my powerlessness much better. God suggested that I do that through the Essay Game, in this way doing meditation, journaling and physical exercise on a daily basis.

My Higher Power tells me to feel my feelings—even to cry if I need to. Today, I am less likely to fall under the influence of my disease. I do phone calls and receive calls. Actually, it gives me trust in our fellowship and I can be part of something. It fills my emptiness and loneliness. I was proud of speaking in English with my team in the Game.

My state of being has vastly improved. During the Game I’ve started walking, doing physical exercises, and eating less food. I lost about three kilos. I stopped watching films on TV and using my telephone till late. Now, I go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. Also, I visited the doctor and hairdresser, and bought some clothes.

I couldn’t do this before, I was captured by fears. Speaking with God and doing ten gratitudes in my meditation help me to overcome such fears. I even did that when workers were doing the repairs by jackhammer in the next room. God loves me. Also, God told me: “Nick, pause and be quiet when you have emotional instability.” It helps me to remove fussiness and hurry.

I experience that my Higher Power gives me joy when I set limits in my conversations with relatives. Lately, I agreed with my father and accepted what he said for the first time. Sometimes I need to stop talking. I keep quiet when I have irritation when speaking with my grandfather. When I write in my diary for ten minutes each day, it allows me to speak distinctly with my renewal partner. It helps me to see my obsessive thinking.

My sponsor said to me: “Nick, whether you like your program or you don’t, you need to do it.” And it’s amazing that he has the same thoughts about my problem. God says to my sponsor: “Look, Nick is trying to be coherent and responding to you through accepting your recommendations. Reward him with your attention and right words.”

God puts the mosaic of my life together into something attractive today! And that is the most wonderful thing He can do for me.