The Best Word to Describe My Recovery is “Attitude”

I came to SA at the beginning of 2008. At that time SA in Poland was very small. There were only four meetings (three in Warsaw and one in Krakow) and about fifteen participants. We only had some excerpts of the White Book and Step into Action (70 pages in all). Nor did we use AA literature at that time.

The first sponsor in the Polish SA started his recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, so almost everyone (including me) was sponsored using the NA Steps Manual. We had a couple of sober members who showed the way.

I remember that in those early years we had an argument about translating the word “lust.” Some fellows wanted to translate “lust” as the strictly sexual term “lubieznosc” and some wanted to translate “lust” as a force, not only sexual, which stands behind the addiction (“zadza” in Polish). The second meaning prevailed, but I remember that I was afraid that SA would divide into two fellowships and everyone would act out. This didn’t happen, which assures me that our Higher Power takes care of SA.

I think that the best word to describe my recovery is “attitude.” I remember the last time I acted out. It was Jan 5, 2008. I came home after a date with one of my acting-out partners and started masturbating to thoughts of her. Suddenly, after 16 years of active addiction, a different thought came to me: “You know that this girl is not enough. There will be another, and another, and another. It is a never-ending story. You can have one million women and they won’t be enough. You are the problem, not them. You are finished, and if you don’t stop, sooner or later you will go mad, do something horrible, or die. Hubert, you have to stop lusting.”

I stopped then, and the idea that I am finished, that I can’t lust anymore has been with me since this Jan 5, 2008. I’m not free from temptation; my recovery is not perfect, but I know that lust does not work for me and never will. Either I stop lusting or I die. There is no third way. That helps me stay sober.

Hubert, Krakow, Poland

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