I have to admit it. I spent a lot of my life searching for a solution. I used to think that I am drowning in a well, and I must find a solution in that well. But that all has changed now. After joining SA, I came to learn that I was looking for a solution in the mud of the problem! I am grateful to God that after I have joined the program, I simply did not leave and run away! I had a feeling, which I wasn’t sure about, but it said “stay in the program”. That feeling kept me going! It has transformed into a vision, and this vision has grown through taking the Steps. What a journey! The Steps are an ever learning classroom – life itself. I am extremely happy to share with you what I have learned from every Step.
Step 1: I have worked with my sponsor. I learned how to surrender the hard way, I was not convinced. Nevertheless, I told myself that I always responded with “yes” to lust, regardless of the consequences! Thus, I decided to try doing my sponsor’s suggestions and the program, regardless of how I felt. It simply worked!
Step 2: My sponsor became my temporary higher power who helped me see through the darkness in my soul and be restored to sanity. As I progressed in the program, I started to develop my own understanding for my higher power. I am very grateful for my sponsor who did not push me to accept any higher power concept. I was helped to find my own understanding through the healing message of the AA Big Book and I have a higher power now.
Step 3: Time to meet my higher power! At that time, I was sober enough to understand how crucial it is to know that I must have a higher power of my understanding. I wanted to understand it, but this did not happen without taking this Step. I simply let go, and reached out my arms! My higher power picked me up. I have finally found my higher power that I spent a lifetime searching for. But apparently, I was looking for it in the wrong places (lust and people). I had to take this leap of faith in Step 3 to get it right.
As I practiced surrendering, I started to be able to let go of lust or any thought that I can simply lust like a lady! I simply cannot live normally around lust. This all created a strong foundation that helped me to know my higher power. Through Step 3, I am able to experience not only a happy, joyous, and free life, but also giving unconditional love and receiving respect. I am worthy!
Step 4: Some call it “clean house”, and I love to call it: revival from Tsunami! I had to remove all the wreckage caused by addiction, I had to find and extract my character defects. In the beginning, I saw myself as a victim that deserves justice and that was not the right way to do it at all. This Step is not about pointing fingers – it is about confession which has paved the road to self-acceptance.
Step 5: I was able to talk to my sponsor about the deep rock bottom I hit, and by God’s grace I was able to be honest, yet not explicit in a harming way. God has done for me what I was not able to do for myself. I was full of confidence that if I surrender, he’ll shield me from lust. Surrender is our shield in recovery!
Steps 6 and 7: I was emotionally attached to my defects, and I cannot stress enough how hard it was to take these simple Steps. I was assuming the right to maintain these “beautiful” defects by labeling them as – “I am sensitive, I have feelings”. However, I worked hard with my sponsor to understand my role in these defects. I simply accepted these facts. I was able to surrender my defects to God, and God is kind! God has lifted the burden of these defects as I surrendered them. Every time I surrender them, they become lighter and lighter which helps me to accept and deal with them.
Steps 8 and 9: Amends! These vital steps are designed to set me free in life. I’ll be able to stand free and look the world in the eye. Even though I am a weak addict, God has granted me strong sobriety and recovery. I surrendered to my sponsor for each and every amend. I was taught how to do direct and indirect amends and I am very grateful for that. I needed to do these amends, they were my ticket to freedom. With God’s grace I made all the amends and in return I am a free woman now. I have cleaned my house!
Steps 10 and 11: I have to keep my own house clean, so I practice spot inventories to understand where I was wrong, and how to make amends if needed. If it is hard, I’ll pray a lot until I talk to my sponsor, then I share my inventory with absolute fearless honesty. My recovery taught me that I don’t need to act like a victim, and I need to be brave by doing amends. So, I simply do them. And I close my day with an honest share with my sponsor highlighting all my controlling defects. Of course, I don’t forget my gratitude list!
Step 12: I will serve by helping a newcomer in the meetings or in doing Step work. I have a strong home, finally. That home is the Big Book which I’ll live in for the rest of my life!
I want to close this share with a reminder. This program gives me a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual program. Thus, I focus on what I have: “Today”.
Just for today, I’ll stay grateful to God for living free in recovery.
Just for today, I’ll admit and accept that I am a sexaholic.
Just for today, I’ll admit that lust starts as a thought in my mind, a look by my eyes, a touch by my hand, a foot step, or even the way my personal defects direct my speech. I surrender all of them to God.
Just for today, I’ll start my day with surrendering to God, so I’ll get protection from being weak in front of lust.
Just for today, I’ll surrender my right to feed lust by any means.
Just for today, I’ll decide to be happy, joyous and free.
I am grateful to God that I’ll stay a sexaholic, and I’ll confess and surrender every time I am weak. Through surrendering, I have a solution that helps me to stay alive – one day at a time.
Mervat, Egypt
