When I was 18, I went on a parachute course with a few friends. I was looking for a new adventure and an experience that I could feel proud about. After one day’s instruction on the theory, we were given the go-ahead to make our jump. We would be using the “static-line” technique for our jump. Here, a cord runs from the parachute to a rail fixed on the inside of the plane. When you jump, the cord pays out, then pulls out your parachute; you don’t have to do anything. The plane we were using was very small. For the jump, you had to step out from the plane onto a grill-step and grab hold of a metal grip that was underneath the wing. The idea then was to let go of the grip and allow the rushing air to carry you away from the plane.

I had heard it said that the second and third jumps are scarier than the first because by that stage you know what’s ahead of you. This was my experience. For the second jump, I stood out of the plane, onto the grill-step and grabbed onto the metal grip. The instructor pressed my arm then when the moment arrived to let go, but I didn’t let go. I couldn’t let go. I was too scared and held onto that metal grip for all my life, even though I knew there was no point in holding on—there was no way back into the airplane—but I still couldn’t let it go. When the instructor pressed my arm a second time, I did let go and instantly fell away; the cord pulled, the parachute opened and tugged me from my free-fall into a slow, graceful descent at the end of which I landed safely on firm ground.

This experience is so very similar to my experience with resentment. When I resent, I hold onto fear and pride, even though they both keep me from serenity; fear that I might be judged, condemned and rejected by others; then fear that if I let go of my right to revenge, I’ll just be a simple-headed walk-over for others and always get stood upon. My ego is telling me to dominate or be dominated. There are times too when I judge and condemn myself after I have been careless on the computer, almost landing myself in trouble with lust; then the self-blaming begins, calling myself stupid and being really fearful for myself and my recovery.

But to be serene I must let go of all these defects and, when I do, when I go ahead and surrender to God, it works. I don’t have to go around being scared all the time and being shame-bound over my past. I just surrender the fears and shame to God, then take an action like praying or picking up the phone or something like that.
Just like trusting the parachute to carry me safely to ground, today I’m trusting my Higher Power to carry me to the end of the day safe from fear, resentment, and lust, no matter what went on during the course of the day. And it’s working. This program is carrying me away to sleep one night at a time.