I sat there all alone one afternoon in a stunning location in Hawaii. And all of a sudden, a realization came over me. I understood that if I didn’t stop acting out now, I would be lost—for the rest of my life. I would never make any meaningful connection with anyone, and I would descend lower and lower into moodiness, self-centered bitterness, cynicism, and despair.

I had spent the year trying unsuccessfully not to act out. When I traveled for work, I’d call ahead to hotels from the airport and request the staff to remove the television from the room before I checked in. If the device was still in the room when I got there, I would act out. Why not? I had done my part—I reasoned—I tried; the TV was still there, so I took this as a green light from fate to act out. Then, full of remorse, I would call maintenance and have them take the TV away. This was all before the Internet.

And I had been compulsively chasing women all year, too. I was obsessed with a woman in my company—she wasn’t interested. I slept with another woman I met in a random city, and I’d frequently call her for phone sex. Like so many before her, I used her for self-gratification. I tried to seduce every attractive woman I met.

There were two other guys in the company that year who were consummate ladies’ men. The women fell all over them. I was eaten alive with envy and wanted their nonchalant attitude about it all. It was all fun to them, or so it seemed to me. They’d set ’em up and knock ’em down, and if they were rejected they’d shrug it off and move on. When I was rejected, it felt like a mortal wound.

I had also been going to other 12-Step sex addiction programs for several years. I tried ’em all. I had been to a meeting of SA, but it felt too puritanical for me. Besides, I knew I couldn’t give up masturbation. And I wanted to be better at lust, not give it up—I wanted to be the womanizer I saw in my workmates. I acted out with another woman toward the end of that year. Turns out she was using me, too. It was an odd experience for me, and of course, went nowhere.

By the end of the year, I left that company and took a Hawaiian vacation to clear my head. At the end of a week, I sat there in that beautiful location, not feeling lonely, not particularly hopeless … just a quiet, subtle understanding that if I didn’t change, I would be lost.

The next day, back in Los Angeles, I was on my way to a meeting of another S-program and ran into a friend. I asked where he was going, and he said, “SA.” I said, “I’m going with you.” That was almost 30 years ago. I’ve never watched porn or masturbated since.

What happened? I had suffered enough, I suppose. Or maybe Higher Power just stepped in for me. I did nothing to create that change or bring it on. I wasn’t working the Steps. I didn’t do it. Something else did. A switch was flipped.

I did do a lot of work after that, though. I did service, I went to meetings when I didn’t want to, I got to know everyone in SA in the L.A. area (even Roy K. and some of the other founders). Mine was a path of service as I got out of myself. Something in me just knew I had to practice service to others to overcome my extreme self-centeredness.

Was it all perfect? No. I had one more affair after two-and-a-half years of sobriety, still chasing the idea that I could satisfy lust. It didn’t work. But the Program was working for me.

I also had another change. When I met the woman who was to be my wife, there was no lust at all. I didn’t want lust anymore. We’ve been married for over 22 years. What changed me? I don’t know. Not me. I just took the actions of spiritual growth and kept showing up at meetings. All I know is I’m extremely grateful.