The Fire That Guides Me 

SA has been a source of great strength and recovery during a time when all hope seemed lost.

“You’re an addict.” I had spent the night in a cold jail cell on the worst day of my life. My wife was the first to tell me this truth, which I instinctively knew had to be right. I was definitely addicted to something and needed help. 

I spent a month in county jail, surrounded by men who seemed to need help. I will never forget the Fourth of July in jail. We could see fireworks from our day room, but my focus was on my fellow inmates. Their faces glowed with childlike wonder at every sky-filling color explosion outside our window. They weren’t hardened criminals; they were someone’s kid who had lost their way. They were being judged for actions taken on their worst day, or because of addictions they had fought for years. And now, I was one of them. 

When I was bailed out, my ego kicked into high gear. “This addiction can be conquered” was my battle cry. I thought all I would need was to understand the addiction and get rid of it. I would learn I was painfully mistaken. I found a doctor who suggested I join SA, and together we found a group. The day came when I nervously crept in. I was welcomed, and in a few meetings, I had a sponsor and a White Book. Excitement overwhelmed me–finally, a way out of darkness! 

Then COVID hit, and in-person meetings were canceled. It was hard to stay connected, but I had positive momentum, and my sponsor kept me going. That is, until the White Book finally revealed that I was addicted to lust. Boy, did my ego have a problem with that word. My sponsor helped me understand that lust was not just about sex, but everything I craved and desired. My life had been controlled by depression, codependency, resentment, fear, and low self-esteem—creating a huge hole inside of me. I had looked to everyone and everything to fill that hole, objectifying those I wanted to have. 

In 2023, my legal options ran out. I was left with a Catch-22. On one hand, I could accept a plea deal to charges that were much stronger than what actually happened. On the other hand, I could go to trial. I was advised that juries hardly ever side with defendants in these cases, and I would risk spending the rest of my life in jail. 

However, I was in a better place mentally. SA taught me that holding onto resentment and anger was like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I had to let it go, say goodbye to my family and friends, and put my faith and future in my Higher Power. Today, guided by my Higher Power, I strive to be positive every day. My wife reminds me that this is happening for me and not to me, which helps when times are harder. I accept my role in this situation that led me to prison, and what I did and what I failed to do. I see this time in prison not so much as the case details, but as a result of the trust placed in me by my wife, family, friends, and the whole world. I am so sorry for my past, and I work hard daily to be better and stronger. 

I feel called, as part of my amends, to work with addicts, victims, and prison/registry reform. I study SA literature, scriptures, meditate, and pray. We have a text app I can use to connect with my amazing wife, my son, my sponsor, mentors, a few relatives and friends, and an awesome therapist. 

Prison is a small physical space where I have little control, and I have to stay a little while longer. My addictions kept me captive for 40+ years. With all I’ve learned, I am freer and mentally healthier than ever before. SA was the fire that guided me through the darkness into positive sobriety, and it continues to light my path toward mindfulness and peace. 

To be continued…