During the past 2 years I’ve been an active member of SA and able to maintain my sobriety one day at a time. All credit goes to my Higher Power and the principles and fellowship of SA.

Before SA, I could spend hours trying to make a connection. The objects and rituals of my lust addiction varied over the years. My behavior depended on what I was doing or where and with whom I was living. At certain times I was poor and other times I had lots of money to spend on my addictions. I always kept my lustful desires and sex activity to myself and other interested parties. I surely did not want these sex games known to a family member or people who were not inclined to my behavior. Managing this secret enforced my denial that anything was wrong.

I could not accept the fact that I lusted after my own sex — men. In marriage, I would often gratify my addiction through fantasizing, masturbation or simply day dreaming. I would wait impatiently for the times when I was alone or when I travelled. Many times I felt petrified that this deceit would be exposed. Two years ago, I hit bottom. I was desperate, spiritually bankrupt and willing to be honest. My whole being was affected. I had no sexual attraction for women, including my wife, because lust perverted my mind.

Some people may believe I am bisexual because I am married, have children and sought homosexual sex. However, I believe I am insane. I wanted to appear straight so I went to great lengths to create this image of a loving husband, responsible father and community-minded person. My attraction for men and for anonymous sex is the result of insane beliefs. I learned this when I did the 2nd Step. I am sure if I allowed lust to continue I would be without my family today. I probably would have surrendered this straight-guy facade and continued my denial with some gay-is-okay rhetoric.

Today I’m a person trying to become sane. With the help of my Higher Power, SA and the willingness to be honest, I began to change. Today I’m sober and seeking recovery. I’m learning to love and respect others, including myself. I find my wife attractive and I can enjoy her company without being distracted. Sometimes, like yesterday, I slip a bit but then I remember what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now.