My recovery experience as a single woman in Sexaholics Anonymous has been deepened and enriched since my first year of sobriety. Many events compel me to share what I have learned in the course of over six years of sexual sobriety.

We sexaholics want the easier, softer way. Today, that means surrendering the lust on a daily basis, going to SA meetings regularly, attending international conferences and retreats, making myself available for service work, reaching out to other recovering sexaholics, and letting go of old ideas. To be happy, joyous, and free is our promise. Freedom to live in the Spirit, to walk with God, to yield and surrender to His will is a relatively recent experience. The most important lesson I have learned is to give myself the privilege and experience of a strong, sound fellowship that is a channel letting God work in my life. This lesson took four years to learn.

I lost my home group before I was two years sober. My Higher Power saw fit to give me the opportunity to leave North Texas for a remote area of the state. Friends encouraged me to trust and stay close with the telephone. My fear was almost more than I could bear, but I saw that a door had opened. I would walk in faith to the other side.

Praise God! I found another sex addiction fellowship. I was home, or so I thought. The controlling sexaholic in me took charge of the meetings. No more “namby-pamby” sobriety — mine was the “real deal.” I still believe our fellowship in SA is the only one for the true sexaholic, “those who have lose their legs and cannot grow new ones.” The curious and the uncommitted fell away. I found a woman in the group who sponsored me and taught me about the origin of this disease, the feelings we have that we try to cover up. She helped me to accept my womanliness and my body. All were rewarding lessons, but after a time, it happened again…no group.

What was I to do? I had “gone to any length,” or so I thought. However, I had over the years many good excuses for missing the international conferences. No money and no time…or was it no time and no money?! I had even registered early for one conference, agreed to chair a meeting, then backed out at the last minute with a “headache” — a term paper. By this time, my back was against the wall: live sober or die.

I received a notice for the 1986 St. Louis Conference with the arresting title, “Free at Last.” I was struck by the recollection that it was nearly identical to the phrase used in the 1981 Dear Abby column that “Twelve-Stepped” me. I read the word “sexaholic,” and I knew they had me. This was what I was, how I had acted. And I knew that no matter what the cost or how great the fear, I would have to break out of my isolation and join you people — the ones who were helping me, through God’s grace, to get sober and stay sober. So I went, still isolated, but I felt the “magic” — the Connection. I even glimpsed the “One Mind” mentioned by the old-timers and found in the Bible.

Things began to change. I was invited to lead an SA spring retreat with another SA woman. No more solo recovery or “running the show.” The experience prepared me for a major surrender: I failed a critical exam in my university program. I no longer had the “crutch” of school, or even a career. The day I left on my journey to the West, I got a call from Central Office asking about my sobriety. I replied that I was comfortable. For by now, despite the sex drunks with whom I was working, I was beginning to have faith. I accepted the invitation to serve on an SA service committee, and three weeks later, I was in Los Angeles with old friends and new.

I settled in the West, to live for a time with my father. I needed to learn to live as one among many in the family and make amends for wrongs I had committed against them. I accepted my powerlessness over the addiction in all its forms, and I learned to detach from the sickness and dependency in family members.

Another major surrender I needed to make was the longing for a relationship. With a great wailing and gnashing of teeth, I turned to God in fury and sorrow and gave it up to Him. He hasn’t given it back to me. Sobriety has required me to discipline myself and at times, to experience loneliness that is profound. I used to believe that “if only” I had a relationship, this would not be so. Today I believe that the crying out of the soul to God, the misplaced “love” we seek to give or take, is part of our fundamental truth of our experience as recovering sexaholics. I am grateful for the Steps, and especially to my sponsor who helped me break free of my isolation. I believe it is wise to avoid relationships. As a single sexaholic, I doubt I could have maintained my sobriety had I tried it my way. I began to enjoy my solitude and the impulse to get out of myself diminished. Today I take special pains to be nurturing to myself when I have feelings of being unloved and unacceptable. I need to honor the part of me who once sought refuge in the physical presence of others. I have become a person I respect and even love. I am trying to express this love to others unconditionally.

Fear has been the greatest scourge of my recovery. Fear that the lust would overtake me, fear of others, fear of others’ lust. Today I need never return to the bondage and the servitude my illness inflicted upon me. You people are loving me into recovery. I believe I am worthy of all His gifts — the sobriety, the fellowship, love, work, and play. Since they are free, I need only pass on what has been so generously extended to me.

The miracle of Sexaholics Anonymous has transformed a fear-driven person into a woman receptive to God’s love. My heart’s desire to marry has been fulfilled, and I now share my recovery with my husband, who is in the S-Anon fellowship. We are “walking this walk” together. How can I say thank you for giving me this new life? I have been redeemed, and in Him are we made new, truly.