The Problem

You, My Lust . . .

You have been my faithful companion. You gave me a feeling of security. When I panicked, you calmed me down. You gave me highs. With you, I really felt alive. You gave me strength. At last, I was on a power trip. I could control something. I could do whatever I wanted, no matter what others thought or said. You proved to me that when I wanted to do something, no one could stop me.

But You Hadn’t Told Me . . .

But, you didn’t tell me that I would always be alone. That my unfaithfulness would make me anxious. That I would always be worried about getting caught. That I would have to lie continually, not always remembering my last story. I had to be silent.

But, you didn’t tell me that I’d lose my peace of mind. That I would be nervous, anxious. That I would not be able to relax anymore. I had trouble sleeping. I had to fall asleep from exhaustion in order to not feel the fears that assailed me.

But, you didn’t tell me that I would not be able to face my fears. That I would remain immature, condemned to mediocrity, unable to finish what I began. Condemned to always repeating the same work routine. Unable to become someone who takes his life, his relationships, his choices in hand.

But, you robbed me of my freedom. I can’t work on my dreams because I think only of you. You take all the room, even my own. You make me forget about others. Because of you, I will have to forget about being really happy. I’ll have to make do with my routine and have a lesser income.

But, you didn’t tell me that I would withdraw into myself, alone with few friends, living in an imaginary world where all seems well. A prisoner of my fears. You are but a brief escape.

But, you didn’t tell me that by giving me immediate gratification, you would prevent me from undertaking long-term projects.

But, you didn’t tell me that I would lose interest in life because I wouldn’t be able to settle my fears and my torments. You kept me from facing them.

But, you hadn’t told me that I would never be on time, no matter how much I tried. That I would drift into dreamland when I should have been alert. That I would not be able to meet my deadlines, my commitments, forgetting clients, not giving it my all. You didn’t tell me that I would never be able to live up to my full potential.

But, you didn’t tell me that I would be obsessed by everything that entered my life. As long as you’re in my life I will never be responsible. Because of you, I can’t surrender to one woman, my wife. As long as you will be there, I will never be able to live a true, peaceful relationship!

The Solution

Stopping vs. Slowing Down

When I first started going to SA, I just wanted to slow down. I was so deep into my lust that I did not see it as a problem. I just wanted to stop masturbating compulsively and have a real relationship with a woman instead of the paper doll variety. I did not realize I would have to stop lusting; that lust was the real problem. It took a lot of meetings and relapse to come to the realization that it was just one day at a time.

If I stay connected to my SA program, get a sponsor, and work the Steps around anger, fear, and guilt, chances are I will not set myself up to lust, one day at a time. I can’t, God can, so I’ll let Him.

Lust is powerful, cunning and baffling. Without God’s help, it’s too much for me.