When I’m in my disease I cannot love anyone or anything. Making Ninth Step amends has helped me reach out to God, and God in return has enabled me to feel love for those I have harmed.

In my disease I had inappropriate and lustful contact with my sister-in-law. I once briefly apologized to her over the phone for my actions. At the time, I was just dumping my guilt. The difference between a mere apology and a heartfelt amends is like night and day; I was being dishonest.

When I first thought of making a real amends, I talked to another sexaholic who had more sobriety than I. I told him I resented my sister-in-law for resenting me; I felt she was in some way complicit. The problem was that I had not spent enough time in recovery to understand humility. I was caught up in my ego.

To make a true amends, my sponsor told me to begin by praying for my sister-in-law in every conceivable way, and only when I could feel love for her, and had worked through Steps Six and Seven, would I be ready. I measured my progress daily, praying that she would be free of lust as well as guilt or shame in connection with my lusting. I prayed that God would grant her a suitable life partner and joy in spiritual abundance; that He would bless her financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally; and that she would experience happiness in this lifetime.

When the time came to make the amends, I kept it honest and short. After an awkward silence, she said “Let’s not bring this up again, okay?” I was faced with fear of her opinion and left it there. Even with the amends, I realize my sister-in-law may never forget the incident, so I continue to make living amends.

With humility and faith in my Higher Power, the relationship is now based on honesty, and every opportunity we meet is a chance for me to work the Steps. Recovery brings healing. Recovery enabled me to listen to a sound and reasonable suggestion, and then take the actions of love.