“The [sexaholic] is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so” (AA 62).

Where does self-absorption begin? It just is. This is how I remember it: If a woman asked me for help, I would think, “If I help her, I may get a great smile from her, which I would interpret as her expressing approval of me.” I need approval. I don’t feel safe around others. Approval tells me I am safe. I have always wanted more than my share of emotional security; no amount of it is ever going to be enough. I can use the smile later on for my fantasy life. I will feel lovable.

Help you out? Sure, I need to feel better about myself. If I can help you, then I must have worth. The nagging feeling on the inside says that I have no worth. Clean the house? Sure, it will give me more control of my environment, and make me look good. Achieve at my job? Absolutely. I will get prestige and recognition. That will make me feel better. Listen to your problems? Sure. I can listen to your problems, solve them, and have pity and sympathy for you. That puts me above you. Then I don’t have to look at my own problems.

Little did I realize I was unable to empathize. I couldn’t feel any feelings. Why would I want to look inside and feel my feelings? My feelings were pretty bad: insecurity, inadequacy, lust, grief, loss, betrayal, depression, anxiety, vulnerability, etc. At the time I didn’t know the names of those feelings. It was hard-wired into me that feelings, needs, wants, and self were to be ignored. I was supposed to do all the right things. That would make me a good guy, and others would perceive me as being good and having value. But on the inside, I felt I was not good enough; I was an addict. So please keep telling me that I am good and have value. I never get enough of it.

Why make friends? I am not interested in making small talk. I don’t know how. That takes work, effort, and sacrifice. What do I get out of it? There are too many other things I have to do. I could speak with you, but if I do, often I will go off into my head somewhere because I’m not interested. My ability to relate to others kept getting worse. I thought I was a loveable guy who was always trying to make others happy, and people just naturally got angry at me. Why are they throwing rocks and beer bottles at me? Little did I realize that I was rude, discourteous, judgmental, and insulting. I no longer knew what was appropriate to say or not to say.

So there is the self-will run riot. I was constantly looking for the next thing or person to make me feel better. I thought I was one of the friendliest guys ever, but I was only trying to help myself. How did I get to this place? A little at a time, each day I got worse with the aid of lust. How did I get out of it? With God’s help a little at a time by working the Twelve Step program each day. The first step is awareness. I decided one day to do only what God wanted me to do, and surrender to Him my endeavors, before I began. It occurred to me that before, when I would tell Him I wanted to help my wife, for example, I was really only looking for approval and control.

Okay, I get it. Self-will run riot is the root problem. I won’t be that way anymore. Unfortunately, I did not have the power to give up self-will. I needed to ask for God’s help. I began praying for the honesty, openness, and willingness that Alcoholics Anonymous refers to. I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, as I understood Him.

You’re waking me up because the toilet is overflowing? Hey, that’s great. Ordinarily I start my day with prayer, but helping someone else when I don’t want to starts me off on the right foot. It helps me get out of myself. That is the only way that I get better.

I have worth now. I have worked the Steps and I realize I am good enough. The addiction is an illness, not my identity. My purpose in life now is to do God’s will by staying sober, working the Steps, using the tools, focusing on the positive, and helping others recover.