As I was reading Step Into Action, I was reminded of the phrase “My best thinking has gotten me to where I am today!” I started thinking about “my best thinking” prior to recovery and realized that my thinking had been all about me. My lust was about what I wanted, what I desired, what I thought I needed, or what I thought I should have had. It was all about what was exciting, interesting, or stimulating to me.

My best thinking was obsessive. I obsessed about anything and everything, not just about sex. I obsessed over money, success, leisure activities, what my wife should do, religion, making the right choice, how to “fix” things, how to get away with things, and how to hide things. My life was one big obsession.

My best thinking was extreme: success or failure, right or wrong, always or never, wonderful or horrible, love or hate. Everything had to be done right! Words like big, successful, award-winning, money-making, fantasy-fulfilling, and world-changing made sense to me. If a little was good, more was better. I saw everything in the extreme.

My best thinking was isolating. “I can do it alone!” “I just need more of what I want.” “I don’t need a sponsor.” “I don’t need a Higher Power.” “I don’t need the fellowship.” “No one would understand.” The only person I thought I could trust was myself. My best thinking told me to keep my addiction a secret.

My best thinking was bound up in shame. “People would run if they knew my secret.” Prior to recovery, I was resigned to the “fact” that this secret was going to be a part of my life. I tried to keep it in its cage. I lived in fear of what would happen if the monster escaped.

My best thinking protected my ego. I wanted to be right, look good, be accepted. I tried to do all of the things that would make me look good. I tried really hard to believe that I was so much better than I felt on the inside. To protect myself, I pointed out my wife’s weaknesses. My best thinking was sure she had problems too! This way I could keep the focus off of me and my insane addictive behaviors.

Prior to recovery, I needed hip boots to wade through the garbage of my best thinking. “Stinking thinking and steer manure have a lot in common: they stink.” I had mastered the art of justification and rationalization. Is there anything wrong with trying to find a good deal on a new winter coat for my wife? Did I forget to mention that it was July, late at night when I was on the Internet, and my wife didn’t really need a new coat? I couldn’t find the coat I wanted to buy her, but I found what I was really looking for.

Self-deception and denial prevented me from seeing what was so obvious to others. I believed that I could comfortably afford the price of admission. “There are no hidden costs.” “I can get away with it.” “No one is going to get hurt, nothing bad will happen.” “This ‘little’ indiscretion is like a hobby; it’s just a way to let off steam and reduce stress.” “What I do is normal, even healthy, and not nearly so bad as… .” “My career, my family, my life are all fine.” “I have been able to keep my secret world from impacting them.” “What’s that I’m smelling?”

I know now that I am only as sick as my secrets. When I hit bottom and the denial and self-deception no longer provided relief from the pain and stench of acting out, I could no longer deny the wreckage and insanity in my life. Something had to change. I realized that everything I truly loved and valued was in jeopardy. I could no longer afford the price of admission.

Somehow, somewhere my best thinking told me that I was in trouble and needed help. I began to understand that lust was destroying my soul and that I needed to find the true connection. My best thinking got me to my first meeting. My recovery began. My thinking and my behavior began to change.

In recovery my best thinking got me to two meetings last week. My best thinking helped me ask a sponsor for support and accept his suggestions. My best thinking talked me into making calls so I could get out of the obsession and the lust that were pulling me in a direction that I could now recognize as dangerous. My best thinking said, “I am going to finish my Step One inventory this week.” My best thinking volunteered me to chair an SA meeting and offer service to others who needed my support. My best thinking brought me to my knees in prayer seeking the guidance, support, and life-saving grace of my Higher Power.

My best thinking tells me to work my program one day at a time. It reminds me that I’ve missed my daily Tenth Step and need to do it. My best thinking uses the grand equation (SA 102) every day: “. . . the grand equation for getting well and filling the great void at the heart of our lives is Uncover → Discard → Discover. . .”

Each day I have opportunities to uncover the lies, self-deception, and denial, as I courageously work the Steps. Each day I identify what needs to be discarded so I am free to move unencumbered by the chains of addiction and underlying character defects. I have discovered that recovery, health, and true connection create serenity. Serenity is good. Gratitude is good. Recovery is a beautiful thing. Relying on my Higher Power and seeking to do His will has saved me.

Maybe my best thinking, with God’s help, ain’t so bad.