When I was around ten years old, I was introduced to pornography by my next-door neighbor. We were the same age, and he would bring magazines over to my house. I will never forget the first time I saw pornography; I was immediately hooked. From the very beginning, I always wanted to see something new and different each time. Even then, I had trouble reconciling the two parts of me: the part my parents saw and the part they didn’t.

I didn’t have any girlfriends until my junior year in high school, but beginning with my very first girlfriend, I wanted to try all the things I had learned from looking at porn. I didn’t know whether this was right or wrong, but I absolutely wanted to do those things. My relationship with my girlfriend consisted of having sex and trying to hide it from her parents. I was happy to introduce her to something I enjoyed, although I felt bad because of the pressure I placed on her.

When I graduated from high school, I immediately got involved in a number of relationships. I constantly jumped from one relationship to the next. The relationships all had a common theme: I wanted to practice everything I’d learned from pornography.

In 1998, when I was 21, I got my dream job in law enforcement. I also began an eight-year drinking career. I thought the drinking was okay, but I hurt many people along the way, and I began blaming my sexual behavior on my drinking. Every morning, when I had to look at a friend’s face or a girlfriend’s face or eventually my wife’s face, I would say, “Hey, I’m sorry, I was drunk!” It was a great excuse until it was no longer an excuse, because it became an actual part of my life.

I was leading a double life. One part of me was a respectable police officer. The other part was a drinking, cheating, hurting bum. On the outside, I could talk the talk and play the game. On the inside I was a wreck.

As my acting out progressed, I began to seek relationships with people I met on the Internet. One of these was the former girlfriend of a good friend. I began having multiple partners and even had sex with another guy. I didn’t care who I was hurting. The only thing that mattered was getting my needs met. One woman I acted out with got pregnant. Then she had an abortion because she didn’t know who the father was. I felt the abortion was wrong, but I was caught in a vicious cycle of guilt and shame. I had to act out because I didn’t know any other way to make myself feel better.

When I got married, I managed to stay faithful for about a year and a half. Then I started cheating again, using Internet pornography and masturbating. Some of my relationships were dangerous. I once had sex with a coworker, the wife of a former supervisor. I never thought about the repercussions on her marriage, on my marriage, or on my job.

After a couple of years and two affairs, my marriage was in trouble. I tried to focus on improving it, but I was still satisfying my own needs through the Internet. I was also becoming a miserable drunk. I was mean to people, including my wife. I thought the rules didn’t apply to me. I longed for love, but I was pushing everyone out of the way.

I finally decided to get help because I was hurting so many people. The night before I got sober from alcohol, I was sitting in a drunken stupor with a buddy. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I thought I had a problem with alcohol and needed help. That was a wake-up call. Until then, I didn’t care. But for some reason, I realized that night that I didn’t have to be drunk all the time. So I went to AA, got a sponsor, and worked the Steps. Today I’ve been sober from alcohol for six and a half years.

I learned how to live life alcohol-free—but that’s all I was doing. I wasn’t drinking anymore, but everything else was still a mess. When I got to Step Nine, I was unable to make complete amends to my wife. I felt that I couldn’t make amends for my past sexual acting out because of the harm it would cause her. So I made amends for the things I did when I was drunk, not mentioning this “little” sexual thing that caused pain in every other part of my life. I kept this to myself. I didn’t even share it with my sponsor.

Everyone gave me kudos for not drinking and for my great turnaround. Doors were opening up at work—yet I had this secret part of my life. I continued to use Internet pornography to masturbate and look for sex partners. I distinctly remember one day thinking, “I’m really glad I have this outlet; otherwise I’d still be drinking.” That should have been a clue. Even though I was sober from alcohol, I was still a hopeless sex drunk. As the White Book says, “How can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or whomever we are using addictively?” (191). That was my situation exactly.

2007 was one of the roughest years of my life. My son was born. My mom passed away from cancer. A work buddy died unexpectedly from a heart attack. Then I crashed on my motorcycle, broke my foot, and was out of work for four months. As I struggled to deal with these losses, I was waiving a banner that said “At least I’m not drinking!” I didn’t realize that I was holding things together only because I had another addiction to help me.

During this time I was brewing with resentments against my family. After my mom died, my dad wasn’t mourning to my satisfaction. He wasn’t behaving as I thought a newly widowed person should. He started dating someone within a month, and got married a year later. I resented him for disrespecting my mother.

With my wife and son, I was a tyrant who tried to dictate their every action. Even though I wasn’t drinking and I had worked the AA Twelve Steps, my attitudes were still rotten. The truth is that my attitudes were getting worse because I was active in my sex addiction. One of my most painful memories is the way I would argue with my wife. I would storm and rage, then I’d blame everything on her. That was a lot easier than accepting blame myself.

During these arguments my wife began saying, “You’re starting to sound like you did when you were drinking.” Then I’d backpedal fast and try to make things look good—but my addiction wouldn’t let me. I was still using the Internet to find porn and masturbate. When I was laid up with the broken foot, I made sure that our laptop had a wireless connection so I could use it downstairs, because I couldn’t get upstairs with my foot. And I still didn’t think I had a problem!

The next year, 2008, I had another affair. I thought this other woman would fix me. She was the one! I was happily plotting to leave my wife and ruin someone else’s marriage as well. I was insane.

I finally told my wife what was going on, and I broke her heart in the process. I thought I had finished breaking her heart by getting sober from alcohol, but I found that I had barely touched the surface of the harm I was capable of. As I talked with my wife that day, I believe that God intervened, because He didn’t let happen what I wanted to happen. I felt that He was telling me to give my marriage a try, so I agreed to go to marriage counseling. Yet even during marriage counseling, I started an affair with a different woman—just for sex, because the problem with the other affair was that I fell in love with her. This affair was just about sex, so it was okay!

After a few months of marriage counseling, I still believed everything was my wife’s fault. I was still saying, “A least I don’t drink anymore.” I was still looking for that outside connection to fulfill my needs. But I broke off the affairs and stayed faithful to my wife for about 10 months.

In 2009, I had my last affair. Once again, I was wanting something more, something different. I used my job, my resources, everything I could to make connections. In doing so, I was causing irreparable harm to myself, my family, and my reputation.

At my lowest point, my behavior was so bizarre that even my wife could see it. One day she asked, “Are you cheating on me again?” There was no other answer than “Yes.” I was hoping that my behavior would push her away; that she would leave me so I wouldn’t have to feel bad anymore about acting out, or for lying and cheating. But she stuck it out. I eventually moved out because I felt so guilty being around her.

Around this time, I went to another therapist to talk about issues related to my mom’s death. But when he asked what was going on, I confessed that I was at the breaking point, and that I thought I might be swapping one addiction for another. The therapist said I needed to go to SA, and he explained the sobriety definition. That scared me—I couldn’t masturbate for the rest of my life? Then I thought: This is the same as not drinking for the rest of my life. How did I do that? One day at a time. That day—November 4, 2009—is my SA sobriety date.

When I left the therapist’s office, I called my wife and apologized for the thousandth time. I told her that I had another addiction and asked her if I could come home. She said yes, and I’m so glad she did! Today I realize that I’ve been twice blessed by Twelve Step Programs. They saved my marriage twice: first when I quit drinking and again when I joined SA.

Because of my AA background, I knew I would have to go to meetings. At first I was scared to attend SA meetings—especially the larger meetings with 40 or 50 people! I walked into those first meetings feeling that I must be the worst person in the room—until I heard others share. Then I realized that these men and women were all here for the same reason, and everything suddenly made sense. I knew I was home.

After my first large meeting, some of the guys wanted to exchange phone numbers. One of them called me the next day and shared a bit of his story, to let me know that we are really all the same. His call meant a lot to me, because for so long I thought I was just a horrible person. The fact is that I’m a sexaholic and I’m allergic to lust. In SA, our ways of acting out may be different, but we all share a common problem: an addiction to lust.

I got a sponsor and worked the SA Steps. I read my Steps One, Two, and Three in SA meetings. This was difficult, but I made it through those experiences with my sponsor’s help. Today I realize that other SA members were doing for me what others had done for them. I remember how scary those first few meetings were, so today I take the time to reach out to newcomers and help them feel welcome.

When I arrived in SA, I didn’t know where my marriage was headed. I only knew that I had a second chance, and that it was contingent on my staying sober. This would determine whether I could be a good husband and father and be part of my family again.

At first I was worried about sharing my past with others. To me, being a recovering alcoholic seemed cool, but being a recovering sexaholic did not seem so cool. Today I’m grateful for the guys in SA who let me share my deepest secrets with them. Because of sharing my past with others, I’m more comfortable with who I am today. My insides are starting to mesh with my outside.

Because of SA, I’ve also reconnected with the God of my understanding. I walked away from Him in junior high school, but I went back to church when three guys from my SA group invited me. When I first came to SA and heard the Twelve Steps again, I thought, “When did they re-write the Steps? I’ve never heard these ones before!” And when I made it back to church, I thought that somebody must have rewritten the Scriptures, because I didn’t remember that part before!

It’s amazing what I can hear when I’m open. The message at church never changed; I changed. In my addiction, I couldn’t attend church while I was masturbating, looking at pornography, and cheating on my wife. But now, in sobriety, I feel comfortable at church. I can even be of service there.

I’m finally on the path where I can be the man, father, husband, and friend that I always wanted to be. I’ve only gotten here by participating in the fellowship of the program, being of service to others, and working my Steps all over again, the SA way. I can’t just come to a meeting once a week and think I’ll be fixed. I need to participate and give back what I’ve been given. Today, all the things that people have shared with me, I get to pass on to someone else. How great is that? This is not just a responsibility; it’s an honor.

Because of SA, I can be sexually sober, and in sobriety, I get my life back. Today, I can be fully present at work and then come home and be fully present for my wife and my son. I’m reestablishing connections with my dad and my sister. I can share with them what’s going on in my life. I was finally able to tell them that I’m a sexaholic, not just an alcoholic—and that my wife was not the one who had the problem, it was me. This was not my proudest moment, but coming clean with my family helped break down the walls of manipulation I had created so that they would think better of me. I was only able to do that because of doing the groundwork of working the Steps and surrendering to God.

My life is amazingly different today, because I’m free from the obsession of sex. I’m free from walking around in a panicked state while thinking of ways to make a connection. I can spend time with my family and not worry about what other people are thinking about me. I don’t have to worry about the dangers that might be lying in wait for me when I go to the mall or to the museum with my son. I have tools I can use. I work Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve daily. I surrender lust hits in the moment, and I focus on being present. It’s wonderful to be present in the moment; that’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time. Most important for me is that, through SA, I’ve become reconnected with the God of my understanding. This has been a huge blessing.

Today I can finally be a part of something that is bigger than myself. I can help other people and feel useful to God. For the first time, I have a sense of purpose. I feel that I am where I truly belong. As one of the guys says at our morning meeting, “These are my peeps.”