Recently I was preparing to go away on a wonderful trip to Italy: first a week by the sea on my own, and then a week in the Roman hills with friends to attend an art workshop. This was to be a dream holiday, but I was feeling overwhelmed with fear: fear of my own intentions, fear of acting out, and mostly fear of having to feel my emotions with no other people to buffer them or fill the void. I shared this at meetings, as well as with my sponsor and other SA members, but I felt embarrassed to feel so much anxiety about such a great opportunity.

The night before I left I couldn’t sleep. I felt as if I was going into battle. In the morning, I headed for the airport with a heavy heart. But then program slogans that I had heard from other members began to fill my mind. I asked myself, “What’s the next right thing to do?” I told myself “Easy does it,” “One step at a time,” and “Practice gratitude and watch for miracles.” Bit by bit, I started to relax.

At the flight gate, I put into action the tools of recovery by phoning a couple of members. After making that connection I felt better—and just as I hung up, I saw a woman I knew who was taking the same flight. I couldn’t believe it! I started to laugh. Was this God intervening?

Finally I arrived at my destination. As the train from the airport approached my Bed and Breakfast, my stomach sank. The B&B was located on a noisy road and had an unkempt air about it. I began feeling anxious again. My room was small, dark, and hot. I couldn’t open the windows because of the noise outside and the fumes of the traffic. I started to panic. I couldn’t face spending seven days here!

As an AA member, I had checked a meeting schedule before leaving my home in Ireland, and I had promised my sponsor I would go to a meeting my first night there. Hoping to get some relief from fear and self-pity, I headed out as soon as I arrived. After walking for about an hour I found the address—but it was a funeral parlor and not the church indicated on the schedule! I had to laugh yet again. This is where I would end up if I acted out. But I didn’t give up. I needed a meeting!

I asked people for directions to the church, and they all said it was further on. I walked for another hour or so along a winding road, but I was starting to doubt its existence. Still, a voice inside of me (the voice of God?), kept egging me on. When I finally found the church, the building looked like nothing more than a shed. Disbelieving, I turned the corner and finally saw a little sign hanging on a rusty gate. It was the service triangle of AA! God had led me to the place I needed to be.

There were only four people in that meeting, but I found relief from my self-induced stress and anxiety. My attitude shifted as I once again felt the grace of God giving me a daily reprieve from this disease. I remembered that I am to think not of what I can get but what I can give, so I opened my heart and ears to the other members in the meeting.

The meeting topic was Steps Six and Seven. We were discussing the importance of surrendering all defects when one long-time sober AA member shared that he would not consider himself sober—even though he wasn’t drinking—if, for example, he was still practicing old behaviors that had hurt himself and others, such as affairs and inappropriate sexual conduct.

I was surprised to hear an AA member in a meeting be so specific about past sexual conduct, and link it to his own AA recovery. After the meeting, I spoke with him about people who have problems in the area of sexual conduct. This man, who was already bringing a message of sexual sobriety, did not know there is a specific program for this disease—so I shared with him about SA. He was happy to learn about our fellowship. A seed was sown!

When I returned to my B&B, I settled myself down for the evening. Despite the great meeting experience, I had another difficult night. The constant noise of the traffic competed with the noise of the pub across the street. Couples went in and out of the B&B drunk and noisy. As I tossed and turned, fears again assailed me: fear of acting out and then financial fear. I knew I would have to change hotels and was worried that I would not find another place at a price I could afford. I finally turned to God and asked Him to take the fear from me, and restore me to sanity. The voice inside of me spoke again, “Find a hotel for 60 euros a night, and you’ll be fine.” Suddenly I realized that I really was safe in my room, and I wasn’t out acting out. Finally I slept.

Early the next morning I walked to the seafront. The town looked fresh and clean in the morning light. Feeling peaceful and serene, I found a lovely hotel on the sea front and ambled in. With no expectations, I asked the receptionist if they had a room available. She smiled and said that, yes, they had a room, and the cost was 60 euros!

Today, I believe I was led on this journey in order to be an instrument for God’s will. I learned many lessons in trusting my Higher Power, and I planted a seed for potential new members of SA. I feel grateful for the many miracles that happen when I can remember to “let go and let God.”