Being the perfectionist that I am, I believed for a long time that I had to work the Steps very hard before I could start being joyous. But today, with over 10 years of sobriety, I’ve learned from observing others in recovery that it is possible to find joy on the first day in this program.

I have a lot of tools I use to combat lust. But how do I replace the empty space where lust used to dwell? Joy is a positive thing that can replace this vacuum: “Negative sobriety didn’t work. It was uncomfortable, dangerous, and short-lived. ‘I was not cheating on my wife. I was not having sex with myself. I was not looking at the pictures or going to those places. Not, not, not… For months and months I was NOT. Until one day, NOT was not enough, and I went back out there.’ We discovered that unless we found what our lust was trying so unsuccessfully to fill, we were not going to make it. Either we filled the vacuum with the real thing or we had nothing but the negative” (SA 145-146).

But what are some ways to find joy? Here a few that work for me.

1) Go where laughter is. Nowadays, I listen to a lot of tapes from SA and AA conventions that include laughter, humor, and jokes. When I hear those things, I have to start laughing! I cannot resist. I join meetings where I find a lot of laughter. Often open AA meetings are full of joy.

2) Breathe. As the White Book says, “Most of us sexaholics really live on the inside of our heads; we’re seldom in the real world” (SA 158). How do I get in the present moment? One tool I use is breathing. After I take a few conscious breaths, I’m able to get out of my head and begin feeling joyous and happy.

3) Develop a sense of humor. I’m convinced that every one of us has a sense of humor. Mine was covered by many years of tense and serious acting out. But today I ask myself: “What can I laugh about? What makes me smile?” I like a certain type of comedy. I like to watch funny movies. It also helps me to go back into my childhood. Now I try to remember what I laughed about as a child. Many of our childhoods were sad but still there might be things we can laugh about. I have heard that we addicts are childish—so let’s laugh like children!

4) Help others. The White Book suggests that we “Learn to give instead of take… It seems to be a law of the universe: The measure I give is the measure I get back” (SA 162). As soon as I focus on how I can help another person today, I get out of my head and out of myself. I actually start feeling joy by simply seeing others succeed. This world is not exclusively about me.

These are some of the things I do to practice a joyful sobriety. I hope they’ll be helpful to you as well.