I recently heard a member share in a meeting that he thought SA is not a friendly place for singles because our Sobriety Definition does not allow them to have sex. He questioned how he could be expected to stay abstinent for the rest of his life with that definition. When I heard this I laughed; maybe because I’ve had the same thought at times.

Then I considered the question more seriously, and I decided to share my thoughts. I shared that SA is not for everyone. No one is forced to be an SA member. SA is only for those who want what we call “sexual sobriety”: “Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust” (“The Sobriety Definition,” SA 191-192).

Victory over lust is a constant challenge for me. It’s not easy for me to surrender lust. Lust is cunning and baffling. I am continuously confronted with situations or people that trigger my lust. I got rid of my TV to reduce the risk of lusting. I thought the radio was safe when listening to boring news or informational broadcasts, but recently, when I was listening to a book review on a usually conservative station, I suddenly heard a graphic sexual description as part of the review. The description lasted less than a minute, but it triggered a lust fantasy for me.

Then I remembered everything I’ve learned from my SA fellowship. I remembered members saying that they would do whatever it takes to stay sober. One member said that, if necessary, he would walk out of the shower without rinsing off. Another said he would get out of bed and splash water on his face. Another said he would go take a walk even if it was pitch black outside.

Besides taking those actions, I know that I can pick up my phone to call or text my sponsor or other members. I can pick up a piece of SA literature. I can do whatever it takes to stay sober. So when I started lusting that day, I texted two SA women right away. I read a portion of the 12&12. And I prayed to God to surrender. Surrender for me means turning over one temptation at a time.

Still, sobriety is more than just not acting out. Our Sobriety Definition goes on to discuss “positive sobriety”: “What we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking. We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons” (SA 193).

Today I value “true union of persons” more than sex. For me, as a single woman in SA, celibacy is a gift. Every time I had sex with other people I regretted it. I ruined my friendships with male friends by having sex with them. When I got married I married for sex (although I told myself I was marrying for love!), and I regretted it. Then I wished I were still single!

Now that I’m single again and have been sober for some time, I am learning to embrace my singleness as a gift. I’m making friendships with men and women and I’m learning about appropriate emotional intimacy with people. I’m finding real joy in unexpected places. I’m feeling connected and supported in SA sobriety by my SA fellowship. I am learning that I don’t need to date to feel connected.

Recently I went to dinner with seven other women. We laughed and had a good time. Another time I had dinner with a man and just enjoyed his friendship. I’m learning that I can feel content without a boyfriend. I enjoy doing service work in SA (such as serving as a group rep to our local Intergroup), and I’ve served in various charities through my church. I am learning that I can bless others and feel that my life has real meaning.

For me as a single woman in SA, celibacy is a gift. For those who don’t want SA sobriety, there are other options and other fellowships. But for sexaholics like me who choose to be in the fellowship of SA, it is a way of life that works.