I would like to share a few thoughts and feelings—strength and hope if you will—because I’ve heard that only by giving it away can I get to keep it. I recently had a magnificent transformation inside of me, and I really want to keep it!

I’ve found that for me, lust is like a mushroom. It grows in the dark and vanishes the moment it breaks out into the light. A fantasy grows from within. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. But I can share it with other people.

In the past I went to therapy for same-sex lust. I tried to fight my same-sex lust and wished it would go away. At times I had periods when I felt free of it. This was usually after I did some grief work with my therapist (related to my ugly past). But the relief only lasted for a short time, until the next “Big Fix” presented itself in the form of an attractive man. I was baffled. I couldn’t understand why this kept happening. I would fall into self-pity, guilt, and shame—and finally I would act out. Then I would just try to forget about it, until the next time.

In SA I found something that works: the magic of sharing my secrets—with rigorous honesty—with another human being. I don’t understand it, but I have experienced this freedom more and more—and through SA, I’ve been sober since December 23, 2012.

Just after I got sober, I listened to a recording of an old timer who spoke at a convention in Israel, and I heard him share the value of explicit sharing. He said that, in order to be free of lust, we must share even our deepest secrets with others. He said that whenever any of us picks up that phone to make a call to an SA friend, we should be explicit and share our struggles. We should first ask for permission from the other person, and then share it all. That was the beginning of my recovery.

Today, after working through the Steps and using other program tools, explicit sharing is what still works best for me for getting lust out of my head. My sponsor says I must have zero tolerance toward lust, because I can’t work the Steps if I’m drunk. So I need to continue being honest and sharing my fantasies. I must be rigorously honest in order to stay sober.

But picking up that phone is not always easy. At times my disease tells me that “normal” people don’t have the feelings that I do; that I’m damaged. And some of my behavior has seemed too hard or too embarrassing to share. On those occasions, I write everything down on paper and then read it out loud to God and then to an SA friend. I read it word-for-word from the paper. I know that I must fully admit my deepest secrets. I must share my whole self, with nothing to hide. And as I’ve made those calls over and over again with many different SA members, I’ve learned that I’m not so different and I’m not alone.

I’ve also found that when I talk honestly with people for whom I feel lust or jealousy, that also takes my shame out and sets me free. While others might look “perfect” on the outside when compared to my insides, once I share with them I find that they seem to have the same inner struggles that I have. I’m not alone anymore. That’s because we all share this disease of sexaholism. I only need to be honest in the moment of the lust hit, and pick up the phone.

Sharing my secrets hurts. It’s “like pulling a thorn from our festering soul” (SA 127)—but sharing helps me heal.

After sharing my lust with another friend, I usually pray for the person I’m lusting after. I say something like: “God bless him.” Or, “God, give him anything I wish for myself: true happiness, joy, real connection with you, family, and peace.” Or “God, save me from my lust, Your will be done.” Sometimes I add, “God, may I find in you what I look for in my lust.” I use all the prayers suggested in the White Book. This really works!

At times I still feel as if I’m re-experiencing terrible isolation and loneliness. But today I know that, because of SA, I’m not alone. Another member can be present with me, whether on the phone or in person. And God is with us both.

So in SA my soul has found what it has been looking for: a deep connection with other human beings. This is a true spiritual connection, based on rigorous self-honesty and true fellowship. This is much more than I could ever have dreamed of. Actually, it might be exactly what I was always dreaming of, without really knowing it.

Thank you SA for saving my life. I feel like I am only beginning our journey, and I am forever grateful.

In fellowship,