Dear Essay readers, We thank our retiring editor David M. for his long and devoted service to the Essay, and his example to us. We start this new chapter off with an international editing team consisting of an Irish, UK/Israeli, Australian, 2 US and a Belgian/Spanish member.
First quarter results were promising. Fellowship contributions were back to budget levels. Literature sales were returning to normal. Then the Corona Virus struck in mid-March. There was no warning, no ramp up, no play book. Our meeting room lights were shut off, not dimmed, but just dark.
For two days last March, 54 brothers and sisters in recovery from all of the face-to-face meetings in Mexico, came together to share how we live our lives in sobriety.
I wrote this poem way back in ‘92. I go back to it often, and thought I might share it with my SA community.
Surrender. I was too strong for that. Too many people were counting on my strength. Too many people would be horrified and hurt if they knew what I had done. So many lies in those few thoughts.
I do try to use the tools of the program in my recovery. But, on a given day, when it comes to actually sitting down and getting started, I can barely bring myself to do it. Overwhelmed by guilt and by the fear that my sponsor will fire me, I used to manage a slow start into Step work maybe once or twice a week.
(1) Can I see that lack of power is my problem? As long as substances, lust, sexually acting out, and people are my higher power, I am a slave to them. I call it King Lust, but even clearer for me was King Marijuana which was my most dependent relationship of them all. He controlled my moves and was running the show completely wherever I was.
Over the years I’ve called my sponsor many times to surrender a woman’s body part or some annoying euphoric recall. He would respond, “That’s what we do. We are sexaholics and we are vulnerable to lust. It’s what we do next that matters. The key is surrendering our right to lust to God.”
My name is Keith. I am a grateful sexaholic. My SA sobriety date is 15 July 2012. Thank you for this opportunity to share my indebtedness and gratitude for SA to my SA family worldwide.
“I wanted so to break through and relate to other children … I was off somewhere hiding inside myself …” (SA 10)
