I’ve been a sexaholic most likely since the age of 11. I’m 64 now. I’ve been in recovery, through the grace of God and SA, for almost 16 years. For reasons too long to go into, my sobriety over the last two years has been spiritually weak.
After more than 50 years of addiction to lust, I discovered the SA fellowship about 18 months ago. I can’t say it’s been any easier since that first meeting to deal with my defects and all the harm they’ve caused; but after years and years of half-hearted attempts at “controlling” myself (more accurately minimizing the harm I’ve done, justifying it, or simply wallowing in self-pity), I’m convinced that SA and working the Steps will lead me to recovery from this illness.
Since I first discovered masturbation before puberty, it has been like a drug for me. It was my drug of choice: I used it when I was tense, happy, or feeling anything or nothing. I used masturbation to wake up, go to sleep, speed up or slow down, or to pass the time away.
Newcomers often ask, “How do you get lust out of your head?” My honest reply is, “I have no earthly idea.” You see, for me, I have never been able to get lust out of my head. I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard. I tried for three decades and I failed. I have failed every time. Then I noticed something.
I once worked in a nursing home, with senior residents who were trying to cope with the limitations of aging. At times many of them became disillusioned with their physical and mental limitations. One woman in particular had to go for dialysis two or three times a week.
Recently, I volunteered to lead a meeting in my home group on the topic of Tradition One. I felt quite confident of my ability to explain the Tradition. After all, I’ve been sober in SA for six years (I’m a member of another Twelve-Step fellowship)—and I can recite the Traditions by heart!
We We admitted We admitted that we were powerless over lust— Who cares to admit complete defeat? No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness.
In our meetings, we often discuss Step One as it relates to powerlessness, but we seldom talk about the second half of Step One—unmanageability—in terms of insanity. Step Two states that we can be “restored to sanity”—so that must mean we are having problems with insanity to begin with!
What has stuck in my mind and simply won’t let go since our last phone call is the term “sexual nurturing” as something being supplied by your spouse. I’d like to share my thoughts and maybe learn some things when we talk further on the subject.
I’m a grateful recovering sexaholic woman, sober since October 22, 2001. I was thrilled when I was asked to share my story at the January 2013 Convention in Atlanta. The last time I was in Atlanta was for the January 2002 Convention, when I had just returned to SA after a seven-year relapse.
