Although I am not married, I have lived as if I were—not to any living breathing human being but to FEAR. Just as my addictions seemed to help me to cope with the dysfunctional world in which I grew up, Fear seemed to help me to manage and control my addictions.
One of the hallmarks of my sexaholism is isolation. I consider isolation more than just shyness or introversion or not liking to be around people.
Sexaholism drove my view of holidays in the past. I hated them; they always took the focus away from my misery. When I couldn’t have my misery, I surely gave it away freely. Everyone around me was irritable, restless and discontent!
Someone asked me if it gets any easier as time passes. I have to think about what that question really means to me. I have to think about what it is I’m actually measuring and comparing between my past and my present.
For the last five years, by the grace of God, I have not lusted when fully awake. When a triggering sexual image pops up, my eyes seem to automatically look away. I do not take that deadly first drink. Instead, I say a prayer. “I surrender my right to be comfortable! Please bless me so I can be helpful to other sexaholics.” Then I make a phone call.
Last week I was sitting at home, tired after doing some work on the house, looking forward to a nice warm shower. Suddenly my wife said to me: “Hey, why don’t you take a shower?” At the tone of her suggestion, I started getting angry for her giving me unsolicited advice. Who is she to tell me what I should do? She is trying to control me!
My experience prior to SA recovery had been that struggle was necessary. The only defense against lust was to exert as much energy as I could muster to fight and struggle against it. Lust proved to always be more powerful than me, and thus I always lost the fight. I am powerless over lust (Step One), plain and simple.
My wife and I were putting away the Christmas tree. It’s an artificial tree with lights wired into it, and we like the way it looks in the front window at night.
Dear Essay, Thank you do much for the new edition of Essay. I really love the SA publication!
Dear Essay readers: Welcome back to Essay — or, if this is your first time to read the Essay, welcome to your SA meeting in print. In addition to our usual articles on Meditations, Practical Tools, Steps and Basics, we are adding to this issue a new Literature Corner and a Humor page.
