I never knew I was a sexaholic. In the six weeks between the time I heard of Sexaholics Anonymous and my first meeting, I did a lot of honest soul-searching. I was working the program in AA and considered myself safe from the dangers of other addictions. I wavered between ignorance of my sexaholism and denial of what I did know. Denial was my first reaction to everything.
I am completely powerless over pornography of all kinds on the Internet. This includes pictures and words. Something inside of me cries out against making this admission, even now. I don’t want to give up my independence. I want to believe that I can control and enjoy it. I want to believe that I can get on the Internet and not go to the wrong sites. I want to believe that I can have the Internet on my computer and not use it to go to the pornographic sites, but it is not true.
My addiction had reared its ugly head in many ways over a long period of time. Before sobriety I could look back on over 40 years of living the addict’s secret. The only bottom line I would dare claim is what I did not do in acting out. Moments of honesty about my addiction make me ask why I did not do what was left undone. Fear of being seen created a pseudo bottom line.
Greetings from the Guam SA group. We’re only two strong, but we’ve been meeting weekly for nearly a year. And God has richly blessed us. I always leave the meetings uplifted. We’ve had several others join us from time to time, but the two of us are the original members.
In a member’s family beach house, 14 hopefuls, newcomers, and old-timers travelled over thousands of miles to be together. Bonded in our need for recovery from addiction to lust, from lifestyles so varied, so alike.
Frequently my head and my heart think and feel that I am alone. This is especially difficult while being the secretary for an SA meeting of one, here in Fort Bragg, Calif. One Thursday night my Higher Power gave me a gift. It is a tool for revealing loneliness as the deception it is. I use it frequently. I call it the Gratitude Attendance Check.
Recently, I was a participant at a business meeting of our regular SA meeting. Having been in SA for four-and-a-half years and coming up on my fourth anniversary, I have attended my fair share of business meetings. However, this group conscience meeting was a test for everything that I’ve learned and read in the past four-and-a-half years. All I can say is that I left the meeting feeling as if I needed another meeting. The anger and resentment that it brought up in me was carried within for too long a time.
Terms of office were set for the first Delegate Assembly so that only half of the Assembly would be elected at any one time. Lots were drawn to decide whose term would be two years and whose term three years.
In order to be more effective in the task of the Twelfth Step and First Tradition of carrying the message to the suffering sexaholic, the fellowship appointed the General Service Board committee in July 1991, during the Chicago International Conference Business Meeting, to recommend a service structure appropriate for Sexaholic Anonymous.
I recently attended an open-mike SA/S-Anon meeting. I was looking forward to hearing experience, strength and hope from both groups. As I settled in to listen, however, an SA member approached the mike. He spoke about his childhood, his feelings of not fitting anywhere and his unhappiness with his life before recovery.
