I viewed men as toys or saviors but never as human beings. They filled my time until I found THE ONE who became my god. The fear of not being loved or accepted drove me into depression, misery and fear of abandonment. I believed that the ONE would fix me and fulfill my fantasies and dreams. But each time I sank deeper into a living hell, taking the abuse and telling myself that I was the problem.
I’m a lust drunk from England, sober for 20 years—since April 12, 1995—by the grace of God and the fellowship of SA. But my road to SA was a long one.
Thanksgiving 2010 was a sunny day in San Diego, and I had nowhere to go for dinner. This scene was scary. It fed into my history of isolating and living inside my head, away from family and other relationships. I usually made plans to be with friends on holidays, but it didn’t work out that year.
“I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship. I love him, and I’m certain that we’re going to get married. Why doesn’t SA support sex in this type of committed relationship? I’m able to stay present during sex, and it’s about connection, not escape. I don’t have religious convictions about waiting until marriage.
I recently heard a member share in a meeting that he thought SA is not a friendly place for singles because our Sobriety Definition does not allow them to have sex. He questioned how he could be expected to stay abstinent for the rest of his life with that definition. When I heard this I laughed; maybe because I’ve had the same thought at times.
One morning in the spring of 2000, my mother threatened to throw me out of the house when I arrived home at 5:00 a.m. I ran away that night so I could continue acting out. I was 21. I had been attending college full-time and had two part-time jobs, but I dropped out of school and didn’t show up at work so I could act out.
I love this quote: “In between black and white thinking is not grey; in between black and white thinking is where the colors are.” I want to share with you the rainbow that recovery has given me.
When I first came to SA in June 2002, I was miserable and I was single. I didn’t want to be miserable, and I sure didn’t want to be single! My divorce had been finalized just two months before I came to SA, and I was jealous and upset that my newly ex-husband had gotten engaged before the divorce was final.
SA’s sobriety definition says “for the single sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.” It does not say that we endure the endless torture of chastity.
