I have been a person who, despite having studied humanistic subjects, always lived a life in which the center of everything was me. I did not serve anyone. Rather, with few exceptions, I served myself all and everything.
I came to SA looking to stop ruining my life. I never knew that the key to this was service work. I have been in SA since 2001 (with a long break for research and development). I have never been willing to do what my sponsors asked. I would do half of what a sponsor asked me to do. However, Page 59 of the AA Big Book states “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point.”
Since 1997 I have been a member of SA and a minister of a church. I have seen some members who have trouble with sobriety because they do not see the difference between religion and spirituality. Some want to rely on prayer to take away the addiction, and they don’t do the steps. Some go to “church” recovery groups which can be helpful, but rigorous honesty is very difficult in a group of mixed addictions.
During the July SA International Conference in St. Louis the Essay had the pleasure of meeting Helmut M. from Germany. Since 1989 Helmut has provided the translations of SA literature into German. During visits to Germany Roy K. stayed with Helmut in his home. He later stayed with Roy and Iris in Simi Valley, California.
Throughout my life I used food, alcohol, drugs, relationships, sex, work, and achievements to fill up a gaping hole inside which never seemed satisfied. I had an insatiable need for recognition from people. I viewed everything through a prism of me, self-obsession to the nth degree.
My natural tendency is to vacillate between pride and shame. Maybe I hit moments of humility somewhere in between. It occurs to me is that both pride and shame are dishonest states of being, while humility is completely honest. That’s why I can slip into a false humility quite easily, because it is dishonest and still being prideful. It’s still about me, and not about God and others.
My SA bus journey has been a long ride but well worth it so far. I still don’t know our destination even after 13 years. I have gone through the Steps with my sponsors several times in the course of my journey, and I have learned that the principles of Steps Four and Five still apply to me!
Whenever I try to hold something back from my sponsor or renewal partner, I find lust creeping back into my life with renewed vigor. In the AA chapter “Into Action” this quote is found: “…we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. …they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty…” (AA, Chapter 6). We find that most relapse comes from an insufficient Fifth Step (or Tenth Step).
In my home group, we encourage newcomers to read an Essay article entitled “I Don’t Have to Know” for 40 consecutive days. The author describes a compulsive need to know everything around him. He has Batman-like hyper-vigilance that is a habit of insobriety. Realizing that he is not Batman and not God, he relies on the simple mantra of, “I don’t have to know” to practice a healthy habit to not feed the impulsive desire to look.
By the grace of God, we celebrated the 15th birthday of SA fellowship in Iran on May 10th. Nearly 700 SA members, men and women, from all over Iran gathered for this anniversary celebration.
