I would like to share how the program has given me the gift of lowering the volume of my fears. I cannot say that they are totally gone, but today I can live with them. I used to wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread when facing the day. The day scared me: the responsibilities, the fear of disappointing, the fear of surprises.
1. Each morning I look at the sign over my bed that says “Good Morning. This is God. I will be handling all your problems today; I will not need your help. So, relax and enjoy the day.” It reminds me that I am his child whom he loves, regardless of what I have done or not done.
You have been there for my husband through our entire marriage, but you have been a disaster! You have been a stress and anxiety release for him, while causing more for me. You have been there when my husband watched TV, viewed pictures, watched porn, took showers, even next to me in bed. You were there with his fantasies about others, about me.
It seems like only yesterday that my old friend and sponsor, Jess L., shared with me a wonderful story. He said that there once was a world-renowned football team that had successful seasons year after year. One year, however, things were not going well for the team. They were certainly not playing their best. Their famous, well-respected coach felt it was time to intervene.
In a recent meeting a member expressed his envy of so-called “normies,” men whose reactions to sexual stimuli seem to be less intense or more controlled than those that characterize sexaholics. I understood the sentiment and shared it, but also had other reactions to the notion of normality.
Since 1997 I have been a member of SA and a minister of a church. I have seen some members who have trouble with sobriety because they do not see the difference between religion and spirituality. Some want to rely on prayer to take away the addiction, and they don’t do the steps. Some go to “church” recovery groups which can be helpful, but rigorous honesty is very difficult in a group of mixed addictions.
In my home group, we encourage newcomers to read an Essay article entitled “I Don’t Have to Know” for 40 consecutive days. The author describes a compulsive need to know everything around him. He has Batman-like hyper-vigilance that is a habit of insobriety. Realizing that he is not Batman and not God, he relies on the simple mantra of, “I don’t have to know” to practice a healthy habit to not feed the impulsive desire to look.
In my SA experience, I have encountered many times when lust and arousal seem ready to overwhelm me. In recent conversations I’ve also heard these common sexaholic scenarios:
Often my willfulness asserts itself, and I have been learning the following ingredients of surrender.
In the White Book, it says that we identified with each other at the point of our weakness. I need to hear your struggles with lust in order to get in touch with my own lust. I need to hear your pain so I know I don’t want to go back out there. I need to hear your hope so I know there is a way out. I need you to be “specific but not graphic,” as one member puts it.
