My dysfunctional family and religious tradition taught me to feel fear and shame, particularly surrounding “impure thoughts” and “touching yourself.” These feelings were very intense and too painful to bear, and I escaped them in a way that became a very deeply-ingrained pattern of thought and behavior.
One of the hallmarks of my sexaholism is isolation. I consider isolation more than just shyness or introversion or not liking to be around people.
For the last five years, by the grace of God, I have not lusted when fully awake. When a triggering sexual image pops up, my eyes seem to automatically look away. I do not take that deadly first drink. Instead, I say a prayer. “I surrender my right to be comfortable! Please bless me so I can be helpful to other sexaholics.” Then I make a phone call.
Last week I was sitting at home, tired after doing some work on the house, looking forward to a nice warm shower. Suddenly my wife said to me: “Hey, why don’t you take a shower?” At the tone of her suggestion, I started getting angry for her giving me unsolicited advice. Who is she to tell me what I should do? She is trying to control me!
My experience prior to SA recovery had been that struggle was necessary. The only defense against lust was to exert as much energy as I could muster to fight and struggle against it. Lust proved to always be more powerful than me, and thus I always lost the fight. I am powerless over lust (Step One), plain and simple.
One night, at our home group meeting we discussed the SA group’s Primary Purpose—to carry its message to the sexaholic who still suffers (Tradition 5). Someone commented how helpful it would be to have a visual explanation of the Steps to share with newcomers. Below is what we created, and it has helped many newcomers ever since.
This summer I attended the SA International convention in Denver. While there I went to a baseball game. While there I talked with a man sitting beside me. After some baseball talk we got to what convention brought us to Denver.
I suffer from a sort of hypervigilance. Something in me wants to identify and define every object, every person, every angle and surface in my physical environment. My ears are open; my eyes are taking in the very texture of things around me.
The contract starts by saying “God, I’m checking in.” Then I say the Serenity Prayer and the first three Steps. Next, comes the Third Step prayer. I repeat a line from that prayer until I really mean it — “Relieve me from the bondage of self” still loosens my chest every morning.
After I had about a year of sobriety, a friend of mine in the program asked me for a favor: Would I go with him to the local internet customer service center to be sure he would follow through with his decision to have his internet service disconnected?
