The life I had been living was definitely insane, and my Step One inventory made that very clear. My way had failed, and I had to find a new solution outside my own thinking and willpower. Stories of recovery, and hearing recovery speakers share the depths of their addiction and how their lives were restored, gave me some small hope.
When I was working Step Four with my sponsor, he suggested that I pick one person, institution, or principle at a time and write up an inventory to share with him specifically about that one person. It was a lot of hard but very good work that resulted in a significant change in how I see myself in relation to others and God.
When did you realize that you were powerless over lust and that your life had become unmanageable? Was it a sudden realization or something that you arrived at over the span of months or years? For me, it was an epiphany brought about from the threat of a second divorce. It was a sudden realization of the kind of person that I had been over the past 30 years.
Twice a month SA members in the Sacramento area gather for a meditation meeting. The Eleventh Step in the 12&12 describes the direct linkage among self-examination, prayer and meditation. Our practice is simple: we read SA or AA literature and then spend about 20 minutes together in silence using our breath as a focal point.
Humor is a big part of my recovery. As the AA Big Book says, “We absolutely insist on enjoying life” (AA pg. 132). I have created a Step 12 & 4/8ths: take the actions of humor (or Rule 62) seriously:
I have a best friend. I’ll call him Lester. I met Lester when I was about 3 years old and we became close very quickly. Since then, we have almost always been together. Lester loves me more than a brother could, and he worries about me constantly. He cannot bear to see me in pain. If I’m sad, he immediately tries to cheer me up. If I am in conflict, he always takes my side.
I learned about the sobriety definition (ludicrous!) and the Steps (no problem!) more than 20 years ago. In my head I completed them all in short order — until I became more desperate and got a sponsor. We agreed to work the Steps together.
After Step One in our book Sexaholic Anonymous on page 87 it says: “This is why ‘telling all’ is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it’s not really ‘all’ and often is only surface material. In truth, we don’t ‘take’ the First Step; it takes us.
When I first started attending SA, it was a breath of fresh air. After coming to meetings and listening others share, I was able to admit my weaknesses and faults. Before I could not admit I was a “sex, pornography and lust addict.” When I finally did, a great feeling of relief came over me.
In the personal story near the front of the White Book, the writer says, “Masturbation again” (SA 14). So here I am, with two years of SA sobriety, doing my Step One again, at my sponsor’s suggestion. The process was similar to the first time I did Step One, but this time it was more fruitful because I was not acting alone.
