Recently, I awoke early to start my day before it became hot and humid. I prayed my usual prayers, but thought to myself that I would save morning meditation to a more convenient time. Perhaps this was the beginning of obsession trying to creep into my mind as I ignored the line, “On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day …” (AA 86).
It took me nine years in SA to realize that continually praying to God to “keep me sober,” and to “take away my lust” wasn’t working for me. I discovered that this kind of prayer was just another subtle way of trying to manage my life by asking God to do what I thought He should do for me.
Recently, I was waiting for some medical results, which, if negative, may have meant some serious consequences. Fear gripped me, but I did not share my feelings with anyone. Without even making a conscious decision to do so, I found myself back in self-reliance, relying on finite self instead of infinite God.
Recovery has been a process that moves me ever closer to God. Through selfishness, self-centeredness, resentment, fear, and harms done to others, I built obstacles I could not get over, under or around. I moved farther and farther away from Him.
Before joining the Program, my life was spiritual vagueness, white knuckling, and shame, a darkness inside me where I was lost. I was afraid all the time - of myself, the future, and other people.
Surrender. I was too strong for that. Too many people were counting on my strength. Too many people would be horrified and hurt if they knew what I had done. So many lies in those few thoughts.
I do try to use the tools of the program in my recovery. But, on a given day, when it comes to actually sitting down and getting started, I can barely bring myself to do it. Overwhelmed by guilt and by the fear that my sponsor will fire me, I used to manage a slow start into Step work maybe once or twice a week.
(1) Can I see that lack of power is my problem? As long as substances, lust, sexually acting out, and people are my higher power, I am a slave to them. I call it King Lust, but even clearer for me was King Marijuana which was my most dependent relationship of them all. He controlled my moves and was running the show completely wherever I was.
I have attached my goals for the next year in SA. These are to enhance my sobriety. I am going to do a goal every week and write about it in a journal.
Can I focus on what I will do to deal with my problems without first admitting I have problems? What does “rigorous honesty” mean, if not to open up to others about my defects? How did I first identify with others in SA and feel that I belonged, other than to hear about the mess others had put themselves through? Why do we read in meetings first about “The Problem” before sharing “The Solution”?
