A train wreck, that is how those who have seen me enter the program sometimes tend to describe me.The worst part is that I can't even deny it. My life had become unmanageable in all areas. Because of my addiction, I was no longer able to take care of myself in the most basic ways.
“We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three” (SA 204). As a recovering sexaholic, I have taken this statement from “The Solution” to heart. With a little reflection, I can remember what it was like before coming into the rooms of SA over twenty years ago. This healing can only continue with the program tools of working the Steps and reading literature, going to meetings, working with a sponsor, and the help of group members.
Upon reading the White Book and the literature of another S-fellowship in a psychosomatic hospital in 2020, I realized I am a sex addict and gained abstinence from any form of sex up until today.
It all started with a pinching pain I felt when doing my Fourth Step work over the past three months. I thought that I would be fine in time. For me, Step One had been the most difficult: seeing my disease from a very close distance and accepting my powerlessness over it and the unmanageability caused due to lust in my whole life.
The first good feeling that I can recall in life was when I was five years old and my father had given me a bottle of Rolling Rock beer. I felt the effect of the alcohol as I sat drinking in a corner. Looking across the room at my father, I was just full of love for him. It was a wonderful feeling.
Sexual lust is just one face of the multi-dimensional cube of lust. The word "lust" cannot be confined to a sexual aspect only, as lust is merely a strong urge that governs attitudes. I cannot deny that the concept of lust itself is complex, confusing, and perplexing. How can a limited human encompass what is considered larger and broader? Humans are three-dimensional beings living in a four-dimensional world, while lust is simply a "multi-dimensional" entity.
Before joining SA I tried so many times to stop acting out but nothing worked for me, so I used to tell myself that there was no recovery when I heard stories about people who were in recovery. I thought of it as nothing!
This article is about relapse prevention. However, deep down inside of me, I am uncomfortable writing about this. I feel relapse prevention applies to people who are sober. It is about how to prevent people from relapsing once they get sober. My belief is that many people do not get sober although they think they are sober. How can I make such a statement?
My home group is in St. Petersburg, Russia, but one year ago I moved to Hanoi, Vietnam, where there are few other recovering sexaholics. My recovery started the day I came to an SA meeting. Since that day my life has changed a lot, and it is still changing. I am grateful for everything, past, present, and future. My life is happening exactly as the God of my understanding wants, so I accept everything life brings to me. I want to live this life.
In the beginning of recovery, when I was struggling to find long-term sobriety, every relapse seemed like a death sentence. This was a delusion and a lie. Who was judging me? Not my Higher Power. I was the judge, and again I was making myself the god and center of my world. My Higher Power never stopped desiring a relationship with me. He was and is the real center of the world. He was not concerned about judging me. His intention was to call me away from bondage to lust because it blocked our relationship. For this reason, guilt did not serve me. Guilt distracted my attention from seeking help from my HP and from the help of others in the SA fellowship.
