Lust was always a part of me, long before I knew its name. It had claimed me as one of its own in the darkness that would become my sexaholism—a universe-sized prison of my own making. My disease was quietly progressive. Some might argue that I haven’t hit my real rock bottom since my life has never been completely upended by my many relapses.
As a chronic, hopeless sexaholic, I have no human defense against lust. When I lust, I cannot stop. As a chronic sexaholic I have a physical allergy to whatever chemicals, neurotransmitters, hormones—you name it—that are produced by my own brain and body when I am lusting or engaging in selfish sexual behavior. My mental and physical reaction to those substances differ from the reaction of normal people.
I love plants! I have plants in my living room, kitchen, bedroom…everywhere! All that greenery in the house makes me feel good, and since I'm in recovery, I can take good care of them, too. Before, all my plants were dying. I just wasn't able to give them what they needed, which isn’t surprising, considering I could barely keep myself alive.
Through the grace of God and this program, I've been sober since March 4, 2006. I believe that the best way to help “the sexaholic who still suffers” (Tradition 5) is through our sobriety definition. This is the SA message that we carry to the newcomer in our meetings. I believe there are many ways to achieve sobriety from sexual addiction, but there is only one way to achieve recovery from sexaholism — that is by working the SA program.
Thank God I have a program. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I continue to have lustful thoughts. They come to me because I live in an environment where titillation of the senses is a commercial device that businesses use to sell their products. This device is used in all modern media. Unless I live in a cave, I can’t avoid temptation. Even in a cave, I can’t avoid euphoric recall of lustful thoughts. There is no way I can avoid lustful thoughts. I have to accept the fact that I am vulnerable to these thoughts.
Because of Step 1, I have come to accept that I am completely powerless over lust. I strive daily to apply this principle in all my affairs. I try often to remind myself that I am powerless over what life gives me, be it work, family, emotions, events, or anything else. When I used to relapse frequently, I would justify both my thoughts and behavior with the excuse of powerlessness: If I’m powerless, then I have no choice but to act out, right?
My name is Jon, and I’m a grateful, recovering sexaholic. I’ve been powerless over lust for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, it took decades for me to finally acknowledge this fact. I am originally from the United States, but my wife and I currently reside in the Philippines.
Lust is ugliness disguised as grace. Lust is disgust staring into my face. Lust possesses my entire living space. Lust takes all my hopes to erase. Lust removes the beauty from life. Lust fills the room with unbearable strife.
I am greatly honored to have been asked to write the foreword to this issue of the ESSAY on lust.
The author of this article describes in detail how lust took over her entire life from childhood onwards. Lust influenced the way she dressed; affected how she behaved at school and university; destroyed her marriage; and even drove her to a suicide attempt.
