“I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship. I love him, and I’m certain that we’re going to get married. Why doesn’t SA support sex in this type of committed relationship? I’m able to stay present during sex, and it’s about connection, not escape. I don’t have religious convictions about waiting until marriage.
I recently heard a member share in a meeting that he thought SA is not a friendly place for singles because our Sobriety Definition does not allow them to have sex. He questioned how he could be expected to stay abstinent for the rest of his life with that definition. When I heard this I laughed; maybe because I’ve had the same thought at times.
Six months ago, after having been sober for a little over two years, I acted out. I am writing this in the hope that it may help another sex drunk—so that you don’t have to go through what I did.
When I first arrived at the Newark Convention in January, I was uncomfortable. I’m used to being the planner of events, the director of the play, but here I was just another attendee. I was out of my element. In my addiction, I was boisterous, always surrounded by people (not necessarily friends).
As gift, I recently received a very beautiful pendant. I learned that the minimum number of cuts a diamond is required to have in order to meet certain specifications is 52. This diamond was not ordinary: it had 72 cuts or 72 beautiful facets with which to reflect the many colors of light.
I practiced obsessive fantasy for years. In my obsession, I often chased men who were not available to me. I had the problem described in the White Book, “We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden” (203). I pursued my lust objects obsessively.
Recently I was preparing to go away on a wonderful trip to Italy: first a week by the sea on my own, and then a week in the Roman hills with friends to attend an art workshop. This was to be a dream holiday, but I was feeling overwhelmed with fear: fear of my own intentions, fear of acting out, and mostly fear of having to feel my emotions with no other people to buffer them or fill the void.
I am an SA woman who has been sober for four years. If you had met me five years ago, you would have found a confused, greedy, and very sick person. Today, thanks to my Higher Power, sponsor, and my SA groups, I am able to see my life and world in a sane way.
I just came back from the Irvine convention. I had a wonderful time!
I resisted coming to SA at first, thinking that the sobriety definition was extreme and insisting that I was not a sexaholic—just overly romantic. But I had been in other recovery programs long enough to hear things like, “If my way is not working, maybe I should try what is working for someone like me.”
