I received some news about my health that I was not quite ready for. It meant multiple trips to the doctor and waiting on test results. Waiting has never been a strong suit of mine. I found myself wrestling with fear, for as a sex addict, fear can be quite triggering. Fear is the spark that, if not surrendered to my Higher Power, can start a forest fire of bad decisions.
This letter is for every man I ever had sex with. I want to write this letter to make my amends to you. I have used you, either once or regularly, to fill an emptiness inside me that was impossible to fill with human “power.”
Being a sexaholic is a life-long condition, and it goes back to my childhood where I felt inadequate, unworthy, unloved, and lonely. I used to drink resentments about how I walk, talk, and my body shape. Thus, I never dismissed an opportunity to make myself feel better, including active lusting!
Traveling was never appealing to me. Why should I spend money to visit places that millions of people already visited and take pictures to bother my relatives with?
I'm back here again. I have missed this city. It has been just shy of a decade since I've been here. I breathe in the coastal air. The cooling embrace of the sea in front of me, and the towering skylines and mountains behind.
Traveling per se is a great gift bestowed by God - some people cannot afford it due to physical or financial issues. Traveling broadens outlook, inspires, acquaints with new places, new people, and new countries. Whether I’m relaxing or working, traveling is a part of my life. I am so grateful to God for this gift. Why is sobriety required for me when traveling?
I started my SA journey on May 25, 2021 when my husband confronted me once more but the difference this time was that my inner voice (Higher Power's voice) strongly directed me to some God (Good Orderly Directions), so I googled, found sa.org, and got connected to an SA India sister who introduced me to the SA program.
My life in recovery is full of miracles today—the biggest of them is that I am recovering from this disease, this enslavement to lust, for which there is no cure. And another huge miracle is that I am grateful today; I used to be never grateful.
I did not quit, I surrendered. I began my journey in this program when a friend from Al-Anon told me I was a sexaholic. To prove her wrong, I agreed to go to six SA meetings. During those six meetings I slowly came to admit that I was a sexaholic. At the beginning I made no eye contact with other members and I did not share. There were six other SA women at my first home group meeting. We went to two meetings a week as a group, which helped me to connect with the program and then I started to share.
At first I thought that the term, “sobriety,” didn’t fit with what I thought a sexaholic was because I had no experience with alcoholism. But when I came into these rooms eight years ago I learned that sobriety was difficult to obtain because it was about my state of mind and what I might do with it if I didn’t get spiritually fit.
