Trying to control my sexual lust is like trying to predict the weather. Sometimes I can do it successfully. However, most of the time, I fail miserably. Lust is cunning so I end up fooling myself into thinking that I can control it. The measure of my success in controlling lust is the measure of my self-deception that I am able to control it. If I go for an evening without acting out, I magnify it so that it looks like a major breakthrough in my battle against this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. 

In recovery, I see why admission of powerlessness is the First Step in recovery – I admit that I am POWERLESS over lust. Powerless, which is sometimes understood as “lack of power” or “helpless,” is also “lack of control,” which makes sense of the rest of that Step: that “my” life has become unmanageable! In Step 1, I admit “lack of control” over every aspect of my life – I’ve lost control utterly. However, for me to accept this fully, in my heart, I need to hit rock bottom.

There were times when my sick mind told me that an evening of sobriety meant that my compulsive behavior was reducing. But today, I know better. Whenever I look at my addiction solely through the prism of sex addiction, then I am focusing solely on the behavioral aspect of it! But as a sexaholic, I know that sex addiction is only part of my condition. My sexaholism, or my addiction to lust, means that I am addicted to dependency relationships, to food, to resentment, to work, the internet; anything or anyone can become a Higher Power for me. As I grow in recovery, I realize my powerlessness over all of these “normal” things.

However, the most toxic of them all, the one to which I am most allergic, is “Sexual Lust.” And I have learned the hard way, that just stopping the behavior is not recovery; rather, it only leads to being a “dry drunk.” I need deeper sobriety. It is true that sexual acting out brought me in the door to SA; but addiction to lust is what keeps me coming back. The sobriety definition makes so much sense to me now. I have to remember that I cannot control lust; that changing phones, changing countries, changing friends, burying myself with work, and delving deeper into spirituality did not help at all. I always fell back onto masturbation, even to the image of a blank wall. My problem is inside my head, not in God’s head, or in the heads or actions of other people, or even in private parts!

It is a very deep problem. I can easily be deluded into thinking that, “I am in charge – I can control it!” That’s why Step 2 is not something that I concede to after intellectually debating the meaning of the words with myself, like a philosopher gently mulling over some existential point. Rather, I grab Step 2 because I am crushed by all I have done, crushed into accepting that I cannot trust my own thinking, that I need help from outside; that I do not have the resources within myself to cure myself. But then, what a wonderful paradox – my insanity has led me to sanity.   

Half measures availed me nothing but continuous failure, mixed with pain and self-loathing. My priority today is to work my program; to work at maintaining my freedom from the pain that brought me into the rooms in the first place. I work my program because the SA solution frees me from lust one day at a time; then, in the peace of mind that follows, I can restore not only my sanity, but my life as well. Lust used to be my higher power. Even now it can be, if I let go of my recovery attitude. Recovery is more than just about the sexual behaviors; it is a holistic attitude change, not just my attitude toward lust, but also my ideas, beliefs, tendencies, and choices. Deep recovery is the key for long lasting sobriety.

 Neither my sobriety nor my recovery can be maintained without daily house cleaning – spiritual purging! This includes taking inventory of my resentments, fears, my dishonesty, selfishness, and sexual lusting! I have to bring this loud, ugly parade of defects out into the light before others and before God! One day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. I won’t stop there! I attend meetings, do service at my home group meeting, sponsor others, and carry my recovery message to anyone who wants it. Being of service has never failed me! But I have more work to do!

I have to observe strict boundaries. For example, when I use the internet, as I must for my job, I define typing explicit websites names in the search bar as a bottom line behavior: if I do it, I reset my sexual sobriety date! I install pop-up blockers, to prevent unwanted ads. I deleted all my past accounts and can now safely give my phone to my wife without the fear of being kicked out of the house! What a miracle! And the miracle does not stop there, it has touched many behavioral aspects in my life: I don’t yield, instead, I surrender it!

I don’t negotiate with my boundaries today; out of my painful experiences and my own enlightened self-interest, I know I lose control if I cross them. I have to stay vigilant about my surroundings and I carry my shield of prayers with me wherever I go! I pray for the people in the street all the time. I pray for movie actors, for cartoons, and for those who enter my dreams! Yes, I am that desperate! And I do not stop there. I also place boundaries in my marriage bed. I’ve stopped using my wife as a sex object and I’ve stopped having sex in any form that triggers lust. I am growing to see that sex is indeed an option. I don’t need sex to feel okay! Sex is an expression of my love for my wife, but it does not have to be THE ONLY WAY! Respecting her in a great way to make a living amends to her!

I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK OUT THERE! This conviction has helped me stay sober for more than 44 months now, and I am always trying to expand my spiritual life to make sure that my feet do not touch the bottom again! Spiritual flight is a REALITY! God has kept me sober by this program of recovery, but I had to stop first, then the miracle could begin; and it will never end: IT IS A DAILY MIRACLE! God is Good! I love you God. You have shown me the road of happy destiny and have given me a fellowship with which to trudge the road! I am eternally grateful to You, God!