What a life. Great job. Tons of friends and a loving family. Oh, did I mention that I’m insane? Clueless and selfishly delusional, I spent years wreaking havoc on others while projecting the image of Superman. In early 2007, my addiction to Internet pornography landed me in jail. I lost my job and my wife. I’m a registered sex offender, on probation until December 2011.

SA meetings were my sanctuary: my source of love and support when there seemed to be so little. When probation began, I received approval to attend six meetings per week. Then, due to my “superman” attitude (I’m special!), probation cut it down to two times per week. Then my defects of self-centeredness, fear, and anger kicked in. I chose to be inappropriately angry with my therapist over the phone and I lost all SA privileges. That was in April of 2008.

I spent much of 2008 arguing my case: debating, proving, resenting, and blaming. Eventually, with the help of God and my friends both in and out of SA, I came to believe in God’s plan, or as my SA friend Charles would say, “It’s God’s deal, not my deal.”

What could I do to nourish myself in the program? Isolation and withdrawal were not working, as they just fed my addiction to lust and resentment. So instead, I took the risk of asking an SA brother if he would like to meet for coffee on Fridays. We haven’t missed more than a few in the past year! Today, my sponsor meets me every Thursday morning for breakfast. And, what a gift Saturdays have become! SA brothers have changed their routine on Saturdays, and occasionally come to one of my “approved” restaurants after the morning meeting. I have learned that meeting rooms are wonderful (I look forward to returning!), but fellowship is everywhere and anywhere I am able to experience recovery from the powerlessness of my sexual addiction through conversations with others.

Recently an SA brother asked me for feedback on “surrender.” I think my journey with SA is another lesson in God’s will that I surrender, that I let go of control, and that I truly live life on life’s terms, today. Following are some of my thoughts on surrender:

• Surrender is not “giving up,” it’s living to fight another day.
• Surrender is a peaceful transition of power.
• Surrender is giving someone else the wheel when I’m too drunk to drive.
• Surrender is what happens when we go to church, fall down on our knees, and pray to God.

Are we “giving up”? No, we are acknowledging a Power greater than ourselves and asking for love, guidance, support, and the grace that comes from giving Him the wheel.

Personally, I don’t like the word “surrender.” It can seem like weakness or “losing.” I like “letting go” or simply “Thy will not mine be done.”

That’s it. Thy will…not mine… that’s what surrender is all about. Control. Power. Releasing it to my Higher Power. Refusing to continue the attitudes and behaviors that have not worked in my life.

Surrender is acceptance of the truth. With truth, comes grace. So—I guess surrender equals grace.