As is often the case, I was desperate when I crept in to my first SA meeting at the end of December in 2007. I was desperate for so much then: sobriety, recovery, a hug from my daughter, a night without tears, a glimmer of hope from my wife. Desperation became my buzzword. I seemed to always work that word into my shares. Any time I was asked to do what I considered impossible, I asked myself, “Am I desperate today?”

I spent days in international hotel rooms without turning on the television; I pinched myself hard whenever I let my mind wander from reality; I kept my eyes on the floor when walking through airports. I was desperate.

Then about four months later, I found myself trying to get out of a meeting because the thirty-minute drive was “too far.” I was not desperate that day. I had slipped from complete desperation in only four months. I shivered. I had been down this road before when I replaced desperation with complacency. Complacency led me to the dark, solitary cave of relapse from which I had just emerged after fourteen years. So, was it possible to stay desperate? Was it good to stay desperate? Constant desperation is not in the Serenity Prayer, is it? What was I missing?

I live in a land of lust. Although it is peddled as if it were as vital as water, lust is my enemy. So what have people done in the past when they were surrounded by enemies? First, they desperately fought to carve out a safe place in which to live. They had desperation. Then, after the enemy was purged from their immediate vicinity, they built walls for protection and manned tall towers from which to look for any approaching threat. While their desperate battles may have been over, they had not replaced desperation with complacency. They had replaced desperation with men in towers. They shifted to vigilance! That was my answer.

I needed to stay vigilant and look for the lust that would attack at any time. I had to strengthen my defenses with the tools I learned about from the literature and other members. I was not desperate that day, but I could start being vigilant. For me, vigilance is going to meetings, staying connected, and working my program.

I went to that meeting that night, and guess what one of the shares mentioned? Yes, the word “vigilance” was spoken for the first time from a long-sober member. I had my confirmation. I had my new word. I am vigilant. I am sober.