Big Bear, CA Men’s Retreat: May 30-June 1, 2008

God led me to a place I hadn’t been before, to be with men I didn’t know. Why? To allow me to build on my experience, strength, and hope in recovery from sexual addiction. He took me to the Big Bear men’s retreat this past spring. It was a 600-mile round trip for my sponsor and me, driving from St. George, Utah.

It had been some time since I had been with such a gathering of fine men, who had a common desire to share their own experience, strength, and hope in recovery and in turning their wills and lives over to a power greater than themselves. I was slow to warm up to the generous outpouring of welcome, acceptance, and unconditional love that I felt at the retreat.

I pondered the question, why am I here? Would I be willing to turn my life and will over to the care of God? Probably not! In times past, I wasn’t even sure whether God liked me, cared for me, or could even find me. Then I had other questions and doubts: is God powerful enough to save me from my addiction? I knew how powerful my addiction was and how powerless I was in fighting it off. I doubted whether there was any power great enough to save me from this endless battle. I doubted God’s love for me. Yet I saw how miraculous His love and power was in the lives of the other men sharing their stories at the retreat. As I listened to their sharing, I nodded with envy of their personal triumphs, struggles, and successes.

But what about my personal triumphs, struggles, and successes? Did God love me enough to save just me? I was sitting in the same circle as these other 100 men. Would it ever be my turn? I didn’t know these guys, but I felt a certain closeness. I wanted to share, connect, and be part of what was being given so freely.

So I allowed myself to be part of God’s love. I opened my mouth and said a few words about my own fears and struggles. And I experienced my own miracle of recovery. My God is no longer the hateful, mean, punishing type that I imagined in my childhood. I replaced those beliefs with a God of matchless power, who has enough love even for me. One who has enough love and power to heal even me; One who is forgiving. A God who can find me anywhere. My God is such that He finds me in my darkest moment, even when I feel despair, when I doubt, when I succeed, and especially when I experience joy. I am willing to turn my life and my will over to such a great power. I am willing to do His bidding and am grateful to share this.

This is my God. And I felt His presence at Big Bear. It is also the God of my grandson; who taught me this song, which I like to sing: “My God is bigger than the boogie man; He is bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on TV. And [my] God is watching out for you and ME.”