My sobriety date is 8/28/02. I don’t know what to think, what to do, or why I am even sexually sober. I do know that until I was introduced to SA I was completely hopeless every day. I would return from meetings of AA and go to adult material viewing places because it was only a coping mechanism. Acting out was killing me, but the thought of spending my life without acting out was unbearable.

I felt like I was living a nightmare. My lust and acting out seemed to be blocking God’s grace out of my life. As a cross-addicted sexaholic, I feel my lust can easily lead to my death. Today, there is no other way to live except within the confines of the sobriety definition.

My lust has ruled twenty-two years of my life. I hope that SA is beating me into a state of reason. As a recovering liar, I must say that staying sober is one of the hardest games in town. The supply of lust drinks in Tokyo is endless. One moment I am feeling “the joy response”; the next, my lust is stalking another victim. Sexually sober, I see my character defects in action as clear as day. I project my insecurities onto other people. I take drinks. I second-guess all encounters with people.

All my relationships are wrought through dependency. My days are like a roller coaster. My sobriety in the three other programs does not erase my lust. I am grateful for my sexaholism because it is bringing me closer to a Higher Power I do not understand at all.

We have one meeting a week in Japan. Because of the small size of the SA fellowship, I am fortunate to be a recovering alcoholic who can attend meetings every day. I have tried with varying degrees of success to work my SA program through AA. In SA, I have become a chronic slipper, a whiner and a constant SA meeting goer. Once a sexaholic, always a sexaholic. I need a Creative Intelligence to tap into, or I will use my drugs until the bitter end.

I am writing this at the suggestion of a friend. I am on Step Eight. I do not know if I have any slips left. When I act out, I borrow money and I am not interested in women as partners in relationships. I am not even close to a full understanding of the SA program. I am often full of self-pity, fantasies, and paralyzing fear.