A few years ago my 12-year marriage was collapsing, my wife was ready for a divorce, we were growing apart, and I couldn’t understand it. Today it is clear to me that I was the problem. I was obsessed with myself and my stuff, and I was obsessed with other women. I couldn’t keep my eyes and mind off them. I didn’t touch so I thought “what’s the big deal.” But to my wife, my constant looking and fixating on other women was the same thing. Yes, I had thousands of affairs in my mind. It was what was in my head that was ruining the most important relationship in my life. So I tried to stop and found out I couldn’t. I was hooked. Even during a romantic dinner I’d find some female to look at, become obsessed, and a special dinner would go to hell.

It turned out when I took a closer look at what was going on, I realized I had used pictures of women to masturbate to almost continuously since I was 11 years old. For me that was 35 years of programming my brain. I also found that I thought sex was love and I deserved it. So I took it even when it wasn’t freely offered. Anyway, I had habits that made true closeness with my wife impossible. So I found a guy with similar problems who had somehow figured it out and “bang,” it hit me like a ten-pound hammer.

That was 3-1/2 years ago. I haven’t masturbated or used pornography since, and I’ve quit feeding my women obsession. I’m a long way from done, but I’m working on it through a program called SA, and more important, my relationship with my wife has turned around. It’s stronger than it’s ever been and it’s fun. I found a better way to live by looking honestly at myself.

Something made me want to write this before I go escape and obsess about some project. Amazing for me to find out that what appeared to be working to great success in my life really didn’t work on the important stuff.