Having had a spiritual experience has allowed her to accept the plans God has for her personal life. 

Sitting in the counselor’s office in early 2020, I voiced my biggest fear: that one day my sexual behavior would destroy a marriage.

Fetish-oriented fantasy, masturbation, literature, and pornography had been a part of my life for as long as I could remember, for no apparent external reason. I managed to curb the habit during a one-year relationship in my senior year of college. The moment the relationship ended, however, my compulsive behavior and thinking were back with a vengeance.

I entered SA in March 2021. After slips, I would return to Step One, believing that I must not have fully admitted my powerlessness. But deep down, I harbored an assumption that eventually, I would be able to stay sober for that magical year and then be free to date. Each time I reset the starting date, a grain of resentment began to grow, watered by my belief that the “finish line” was continually moving away from me.

Then, in January 2025, I began working the Steps using the clear-cut directions in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was asked if I believed, or was even willing to believe, that there existed a power greater than myself (AA 47). Yes, I did believe. I was then on Step Three.

The next ingredient was ‘to quit playing God” (AA 62). I was told to pour the water of self will out to allow God to flow in. I decided “God was going to be my Director” (AA 62). I made this decision while sitting at my dining room table, the same day that I had taken Steps One and Two. Immediately, I felt new power flow in. I followed this up with a course of rigorous action and completed Steps Four-Eight within a few weeks. Forty-four days sober, after beginning my Step Nine amends, and beginning to practice Steps Ten and Eleven in my daily life, I started sponsoring.

At some point in the following weeks, I commented to my sponsor almost as an afterthought, “You know, before this spiritual awakening, I was really resentful about continually moving the 1-year dating line on myself.” I hadn’t even noticed that feeling disappear. The happy irony is I no longer feel the urge to find someone to date or to marry.

I have realized that my fear of destroying a future marriage came out of an unconscious knowledge of the progressive nature of this addiction. But today? [ I am] not fighting it, neither [am I] avoiding temptation (AA 85). I can’t explain it; I just know that whatever happens in this life—even the loss of a marriage, if I were to return to the insanity—God has me, and I will be ok.

Single life is so good today. When I catch myself putting the director’s hat back on, the solution never fails to bring me back to being happy, joyous, and free. God is directing my life perfectly, whether He chooses to play matchmaker or not. I am just along for the ride, enjoying each day as God brings it!