90 days in Nashville for a breakthrough in recovery from lust

Yesterday, I got in my apartment and spent my first night in my twin bed… a bit sleepless in the beginning. My first thought when I saw the beautiful twin bed was, of course, “Who will I get in here?” 

Morning meeting at 6:30 am with 25 men: sober, strong meeting. The morning meetings seem to be the strongest. People attending this daily early bird gathering are particularly motivated. Most of them seem to be professionals, coming in with their tie and Starbucks coffee. Today I have three more meetings. I planned to complete summarizing Step One in order to give it to the group one of the next days (tomorrow I will look it over with my sponsor).

I hear people who are sober for months or years…who express that they are (still) not (and will never be) like other non-addicted people. They are not able to manage their lives like “normal” people, but still need—one day at a time—to use the tools of the Program to stay emotionally sober and to handle the affairs of their life. This is healing for me, because my life is, in all its areas, really unmanageable. I am not only powerless over lust, but also over my emotions, attitudes, professional life, finances, and my whole self. Hearing that I am not alone in this, but that these guys are also like me, is giving me a first glance of hope.

One guy told the following about “speaking up for myself or not”: 

• If it affects my well-being, I speak up!
• If it affects my ego, I shut up!
• If I don’t know, it probably affects my ego, so I shut up!

He also said that the addict in us wants pleasure and excitement, but the real self wants peace and joy. So pleasure and excitement have to be replaced by peace and joy.

To be continued…