My name is Tom and I am a recovering sex addict, gratefully sober for eight years. I am constantly reminded that I still need the program, including the Steps, my sponsor and the Fellowship. Recently in a local SA meeting I reflected on an Essay article about masturbation that we read and shared.

My dysfunctional family and religious tradition taught me to feel fear and shame, particularly surrounding “impure thoughts” and “touching yourself.” These feelings were very intense and too painful to bear, and I escaped them in a way that became a very deeply-ingrained pattern of thought and behavior.

Всем привет, я сексоголик Галина из Украины!
Когда прислали письмо с предложением поделиться о конвенте, я с радостью загорелась этой идеей, но спустя время начала сомневаться, есть ли мне чем поделиться, есть у меня вообще способность излагать свои мысли? Страшно, но все же пробую сделать действия и пойти навстречу страху.

Dear Essay,
The theme for this issue is Sobriety in the Holidays. I’d like to share a holiday memory.

Dear Essay readers:
Welcome back to Essay — or, if this is your first time to read the Essay, welcome to your SA meeting in print online. We hope you will subscribe to Essay to benefit from our meeting in print every quarter.

These are the top ten things NOT to say to one’s Sexaholics Anonymous sponsor:

The trusted servants of the Fellowship have had a busy year. In the business meetings held this past week, the following actions were taken:

On 16th and 17th September 2017 two members of SA in Flanders manned this information stand at the Flemish Congress of Mental Health in Antwerp. More than 1,000 mental health professionals, including doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and addiction specialists attended this event.

I got married with only one week of sobriety in Sexaholics Anonymous. I had just started working with my sponsor, and he said that it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding until I had more sobriety and recovery—but he understood that it was shortly before the wedding and canceling would have been difficult.

Hello all, I’m Galina, a sexaholic from Ukraine!
When they sent me the letter inviting me to share about the conference, the idea excited me, but over time I began to doubt myself. Did I have anything to share? Was I even capable of explaining my thoughts? It’s scary, but I’ll try to take the action and face my fear.

In November of this year I was invited to attend the SA Convention “Our Primary Purpose” in Moscow, Russia to share my experience strength and hope with the fellowship there. This was the sixth national convention, held again this year at a facility in the very center of Moscow.

Humor is a big part of my recovery. As the AA Big Book says, “We absolutely insist on enjoying life” (AA pg. 132). I have created a Step 12 & 4/8ths: take the actions of humor (or Rule 62) seriously:

I have a best friend. I’ll call him Lester. I met Lester when I was about 3 years old and we became close very quickly. Since then, we have almost always been together. Lester loves me more than a brother could, and he worries about me constantly. He cannot bear to see me in pain. If I’m sad, he immediately tries to cheer me up. If I am in conflict, he always takes my side.

I was nervous, well no, anxious, afraid. I couldn’t pinpoint why, but it seemed to have something to do with the fact that it was Halloween night.

Although I am not married, I have lived as if I were—not to any living breathing human being but to FEAR. Just as my addictions seemed to help me to cope with the dysfunctional world in which I grew up, Fear seemed to help me to manage and control my addictions.

One of the hallmarks of my sexaholism is isolation. I consider isolation more than just shyness or introversion or not liking to be around people.

Sexaholism drove my view of holidays in the past. I hated them; they always took the focus away from my misery. When I couldn’t have my misery, I surely gave it away freely. Everyone around me was irritable, restless and discontent!

Someone asked me if it gets any easier as time passes. I have to think about what that question really means to me. I have to think about what it is I’m actually measuring and comparing between my past and my present.

For the last five years, by the grace of God, I have not lusted when fully awake. When a triggering sexual image pops up, my eyes seem to automatically look away. I do not take that deadly first drink. Instead, I say a prayer. “I surrender my right to be comfortable! Please bless me so I can be helpful to other sexaholics.” Then I make a phone call.

Last week I was sitting at home, tired after doing some work on the house, looking forward to a nice warm shower. Suddenly my wife said to me: “Hey, why don’t you take a shower?” At the tone of her suggestion, I started getting angry for her giving me unsolicited advice. Who is she to tell me what I should do? She is trying to control me!