When I was still in the addiction and looking for a way to stop, I came across SA. I had approached SA before, a year earlier, but had done so only half-willingly, and at that time I never made it to a meeting. Needless to say, things got worse.

But the second time I contacted SA, I paid attention to the information on the SA UK website, and one thing that really attracted me was that impossible, crazy sobriety definition, or at least the first part. That was because by then, I had come to see that whenever I let myself masturbate, I didn’t know how or when things would end. It could be hours, a day, a week, months—and I had no idea what I would end up doing, what new lows I would achieve. At the same time, I knew that stopping masturbation was, for me, impossible (at that time, I had no idea how my fantasy life was also a problem).

What I also liked about the sobriety definition was the fact that it reminded me about the AA definition. I was not in AA at the time, but I had met an oldtimer in that program, and seen and heard how recovery had changed his life and given him serenity. I knew sobriety had worked for him, and there was a tiny glimmer of understanding (I was not ready to hope yet) that sobriety would work for me, too.

In AA, it’s pretty simple. To call myself sober, I need to not drink alcohol. In SA, it’s also simple: sobriety is no sex with self or anyone other than my spouse, and progressive victory over lust. That second part of the definition is key, because it lets me know that any sex with myself or anyone who is not my spouse is, for me, a lust drink.

I firmly believe, like it says in our White Book, that sobriety and recovery are not about stopping external behaviors (although that plays a part), but about surrendering that inner desire to lust. Without surrendering lust, any self-imposed restrictions on external sexual behaviors will eventually crumble. And I cannot surrender lust without letting my Higher Power in—that One who is bigger and more powerful than my lust.

In the intervening years, I have become more and more convinced that the SA sobriety definition is the most precious thing we have in the fellowship. For me, without it there is no SA. For a sexaholic like me, without it there is no sobriety or recovery. I am eternally grateful for the SA fellows who have gone before me and upheld the definition, which is the heart of our fellowship.