What is a Healthy Marriage?
I was talking to another SA member recently about healthy marriages and how to have one, and he suggested that I propose a “corner” in the Essay for members to share what is working for them in that area. I think we spend too much time talking about acting-out behavior and not enough about having healthy relationships. If we truly have surrendered lust, then what better do we have to do with our time than learn how to be more intimate with our spouses and/or friends?
Not having married and still hoping to someday when I get over my own fears, this is a very important issue to me, and I want to hear the experience, strength, and hope of other SA members who have gone before me and are overcoming one day at a time the fear of intimacy, or commitment, or whatever. I think the whole focus of SA could take a turn-around if we were sincerely more interested in finding out how to satisfy the basic need behind lust in the healthiest and most fulfilling manner.
As long as we focus on acting-out behavior or “controlling” it, we are not in a state of sobriety where we can understand and share intimacy or really are even interested in it. I am still in a battle with an addiction to excitement, myself. I liked Jess L.’s comment in Nashville about “being satisfied with what God has for me in this moment.” Do you think we often look at the fact that we were over-stimulated in our childhood and that many of us are still stuck with that created “habit” today and don’t even realize that it is a basic part of the problem? Since society places such a high value on “energy” today, how are they and we to know that that energy is the same basic force behind lust—the desire to have more, do more, and be more? We in SA know that we can never really satisfy those needs by ourselves; society calls it burnout when you finally give up trying.
Until I can accept that I really am just “average” in the basic human sense, I will never get off my own back with expectations which can never be satisfied and which never leave me at peace with myself. I hope you agree how significant it is to emphasize the importance of a healthier, happier lifestyle through working the Steps. That’s what we all really want in the final analysis, isn’t it? I think it is a good idea to offer a forum for SA members who are learning to overcome the fear of intimacy and are forming closer permanent interpersonal bonds. They can ultimately help to lead us toward filling our deepest human needs. Thanks for letting me share.
C.D.
More on Chronic Slipping
Having just read the September issue of Essay, I am compelled to write. The contributions on “chronic slippers” and the special meeting on sponsorship struck a chord. I am one of those chronic slippers, having been around the program for several years with varying lengths of sobriety. I hope my experience could possibly benefit someone.
Sobriety is simply a matter of grace, specifically the grace of God. I speak from experience as there were times that I thought I was in control of staying sober, only to slip. Today I believe it is grace that enables me to pray as soon as the lust starts, continued grace that removes the lust, and even more grace that enables me to do the very things I don’t want to do in order to stay sober.
I would also like to share my gratitude for my sponsor who is a sexaholic like myself only with a greater length of sobriety. He has the perspective to point out (by suggestion) areas in me that need adjustment in order to increase my chances of staying sober.
Though the common force of acting out has been lust, we have very different stories. I have been extremely embarrassed at times when bringing some things to light, but from my sponsor I have received nothing short of support, acceptance and encouragement. I could say more about the relationship I have with my sponsor but simply, I wish this experience on everyone who comes to SA and wants to stay sober.
Anonymous
