For my Step Three, my sponsor suggested that I answer a standard set of questions that we use in our local groups. The answers I found were illuminating for me, and I shared my Step Three with my SA group. The feedback I got from the group was positive—several members even encouraged me to submit my Step to ESSAY! Following is an abbreviated version of my Step Three that I read to the group:

1) In what ways are you aware that lust and problems in your life are a result of the acquired thinking of your mind? This is new awareness for me. At my first SA meeting, I was aware of my attitude toward the men in the room. They weren’t people; just objects that I might or might not use for sex. I learned this attitude from my dad. Throughout my life he objectified women, describing them in terms of their sexual appeal. He also had all of the men’s magazines, from which I absorbed my ideas about women’s sexuality. I learned to objectify myself. I’ve always identified myself and all other women in terms of sex appeal.

The images I grew up with made me a harsh critic of men, other women, and myself. I felt I must be perfect and others must be perfect, and I would hate those who I thought looked better than me. As early as kindergarten, I didn’t want any boy to like any girl but me. This attitude made it hard to make friends! I would try to get other girls’ boyfriends to like me—not to steal them, just to prove to myself that I could have them if I wanted. I flirted and aroused all kinds of jealousy just to keep my fragile ego puffed up.

2) In what ways does Step Three call for action on your part? After I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, I must seek to do His will always: “Thy will, not mine, be done.” This involves taking the actions of love and service to others and thinking less about myself.

3) How have you blocked God from your life? Give examples. I’ve blocked God from my life by trying to run the whole show—trying to get the man I think I need, or the clothes, or the job, or whatever—instead of seeking God and trying to understand His will for me. I often try to implement my own plan without God’s help, or even against His guidance. I will ignore it or cover it over it with “good intentions,” while hiding my secret motive underneath.

I have little experience trusting that God loves and cares for me, and that He has a much better plan than mine. Also, I don’t appreciate other people as children of God. I think only of myself, how I’m affected, what other people might do to me or for me, and how I might manipulate them.

I’ve used the material world and its “noise” to block God from my life. I get caught up in the haves and have-nots. I’ve always felt like a have-not; I could see no way out of that. I must learn to accept and receive what God wants for me instead of struggling and feeling sorry for myself because I think others have more. I’ve been so completely wrapped up in myself that I could not see anything with God’s eyes or heart. I catch tiny glimpses—but they are crowded out by the noise of the world. Today, I want to experience Him and His peace.

4) Explain your understanding of God at this point. I think that God is perfect calmness and peace. He’s the trust I feel deep inside and all around me when I can block out the world and make a connection with Him. That’s how I usually feel at a meeting, at church, or when I’ve shared myself with someone else in some small way. At church about two months ago, I had a new understanding of my Higher Power as an advocate who is there to defend me. He is there to represent me, as I’m incapable of understanding and accepting myself.

I’ve always felt that God was too big for the human mind to comprehend, and I’ve been leery of religious people who claim to know all about Him. But I’ve been influenced lately by the women in my SA group who trust in God, and I’ve become more open to allowing His love to enter my heart. Today I know that I can safely turn to Him. This changes everything I ever thought about life.

5) What do you think self-will is? My not trusting God. My thinking His plan is not going to be a good one, and that mine is better.

6) List some of the ways self-will has caused havoc in your life. Thinking that if only I had some certain thing I was looking for—enough money, the right clothes, the right job, the right friends, the right hair, the right sex partners and the “right” kind of sex—then everything would be perfect. I wanted someone to make all my fantasies come true, so I had to keep looking online. “There must be someone out there!” I would think, “I’m just not looking hard enough!”

7) “Dependence on God is really a means of gaining true independence.” What does this mean to you? This means that if I realize my powerlessness and stop trying to control things, then I can relax and enjoy my life, knowing that I’m not in charge. If I stop planning outcomes, then I’m free. Lack of power is my dilemma. But when I give up control and realize God is in control and that He has all power, then I’m free.

In SA I’ve learned to leave all judgment to God. It’s not my job to judge others’ attitudes, appearance, behavior, or treatment of me. Being relieved of my duties as judge is quite freeing! When I stop judging others, I’m much less critical of myself.

8) How did Steps One and Two prepare you for Step Three? In Step One I admitted I have a problem and need God’s help. I can’t fix myself. My warped thinking and hostile attitudes cannot make me better.

Step Two was harder for me. I’ve always believed God could restore me to sanity, I just didn’t know that I was insane in the area of sex. Now I understand. I’ve also come to believe that all aspects of my life (both good and bad), are under the power and control of God. It is insane thinking on my part to believe I can do anything better than God can. I used to believe that it was enough for God to handle my alcoholism, while I retained control of my social life, job. Today I realize that God is the boss of it all, so it’s better to stop trying to run the show and surrender everything to God.

9) Do you feel you are now truly willing to turn your will and life over to the care of God as you understand Him? Yes. Lately, I’ve been reading and learning more about God. I’ve come to believe that we are all involved in a battle between good and evil. I want to be on the good side, not the evil side. The pursuit of pleasure ultimately leads only to pain. Today I know that good wins over loneliness and pain. I know those feelings, and I don’t want to let them get me anymore. The 12&12 discusses the seven deadly sins of greed, pride, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth (48). These are the paths that lead away from God. I want to walk toward God and away from these paths. And He will help me.

Today I am ready to say the Third Step prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” (AA 63) Amen.