In Gratitude to Roy K.

Dear ESSAY,

When I read the Oct issue about our old-timers, I thought of our founder Roy K.

If you have doubts about being a sexaholic, just open the White Book and read “The Problem.” (SA 203) And if you are one of those who stay in SA, the best way to know you are in the right place is to read it again!

Every time I read the White Book, I ask myself how a man in the 1980’s could have written this state-of-the-art masterpiece on sexual addiction and a solution—“the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship and on a foundation of sexual sobriety.” I always get the same answer: Roy K. was divinely chosen to carry the SA message to the sexaholic who still suffers, in the tradition of Bill W. and AA.

I must confess I have wondered many times what the White Book would have been like if Roy had been single as I am. I can never know, but if I read “The Problem” again, I will find this “We became true addicts …” and this is what I am, a true addict. And for me as a single person, “sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.” (SA 192)

I began going to meetings and came off my physical drugs—sex, food and my fifteen-year “committed” relationship. After all, I was now sober, good, and honest, wasn´t I? But, there was no trace of “happy destiny.” I expected God to keep His end of the deal, but NOTHING! “Can´t you see what I´m giving up for you?”

During my fourth year of sexual sobriety, I felt exhausted and severely depressed, contemplating suicide including clear plans to commit it. My psychiatrist committed me to a mental hospital. HELL. I am one of those who “suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders.” (AA 58) It probably sounds quite odd, but at least I had a very profound feeling of peace that I would die sexually sober.

After the fifth medication change, I began to feel much better and I began to dream of my new life. I began running the whole show again. I was deciding everything about my future—“I” will study, “I” will pass the exam to work for the government, “I” will buy a house, “I” will live on my own again.

And after some months, I found myself waking up in an emergency room after attempting suicide. What? I realized I had to surrender to God MY WHOLE BEING AND LIFE. But it was impossible. I couldn’t trust anyone except myself because of my traumatic early experiences in life.

So, since then, I´ve been practicing the first three Steps with my sponsor in order to build up an intimate and trusting relationship with God, myself and other people. Real connection. At times, this road of recovery feels narrow, but God always finds a way to let me know that I am on the right road, the one of Happy Destiny. I am grateful to be sober since August 1, 2015.