I lost 8 years of sexual sobriety and was only able to regain it after discovering a mental health condition which had been undiagnosed since childhood. I had spent a lifetime in counselors’ offices trying to work out what was wrong with me. I came into SA, being one of the founding members of the program in my city. I got sober, worked the Steps, did service, sponsored others, immersed myself in the literature and conference recordings. But I wasn’t “happy, joyous, and free!”

Even in long term sobriety I knew there was an “elephant in the living room,” something profoundly wrong inside that I had trouble describing. Everything I did in life was hard: work, family, recovery. After much searching on the web I began to identify some symptoms I had previously been unable to name. The process of taking inventory, that I learned in the program, helped me do this. As Sexaholics Anonymous p. 71 says, “Dim outlines of our sick patterns emerge.”

Then on a trip to the USA, sitting with SA members in a cafe after a meeting, they each described having various forms of brain testing. That was the turning point. I returned to Australia, got some testing and discovered over a period of years how dysfunctional was my brain. After some treatment and some improvement, I began integrating what I had learnt about myself into my 12 Step recovery. There is no medication for my condition. The Steps became a vital tool in helping me manage my condition. A new, more comfortable sobriety began to emerge.

I discovered important missing pieces of my prior Step work. Since childhood I had unconsciously hidden my mental health symptoms with character defects. My Step work had been quite incomplete. Sadly it was the best I could do at the time. As amnesia and attention issues are part of my condition, I have had to accept some parts of my Step work will always be missing. This is where the 10th Step has become vital to ongoing sobriety and recovery. I have wreckage of the past that I may never be able to remember, but I can surrender old patterns of thinking and behavior when they arise in the present.

The program imperative of “being willing to go to any lengths” was a guiding principle over the next few years. Drastic changes included retiring early from work; going on disability; giving up driving; living in the US for a total of 30 months to soak up a broader recovery culture; moving cities in Australia to undertake treatment; and, spending a lot of money on treatment and travel. I discovered the concept of dual-recovery – dealing with both addiction and mental illness. If I am not working a program of recovery on both my sexaholism and my mental health condition I am treating neither effectively! Locally, we trialed SA dual recovery meetings. Members were able to talk more openly and in more detail about our dual recovery.

Acceptance of my mental health condition has become the foundation of my current sobriety. I may not have the recovery I hoped or planned for when I came into SA 25 years ago but I do have a productive and sober life and many moments of real joy. Recovery continues!