I received some news about my health that I was not quite ready for. It meant multiple trips to the doctor and waiting on test results. Waiting has never been a strong suit of mine. I found myself wrestling with fear, for as a sex addict, fear can be quite triggering. Fear is the spark that, if not surrendered to my Higher Power, can start a forest fire of bad decisions.

Such thoughts were spinning a chaotic mental web within. I desperately did not want to feel my fear. The addict in me wanted to turn to the familiar ways of acting out in order to cope: “If you reach out to your acting-out partner, you’ll feel much better.” At one point, I literally said out loud, “Not today, satan!”

The day of my surgery came and went. When I got home, I noticed there was an insect on the bumper of my car. When I left home to return to the doctor’s office the next morning, it was still there. (And still alive!) I drove thirty minutes on the freeway each way and rested when I got home. After a few hours I got back into my car. I looked out through the windshield, and the insect was now on the hood of my car. I suddenly realized it was a praying mantis.

Seeing it three times in a row prompted my inquisitive mind to discover the origin of their name. The “praying” part is probably obvious: it’s the way their front legs are seemingly poised in prayer. The “mantis” part comes from the Greek word Mantikos, meaning “prophet.” I was in awe.

I could have chosen to cope with my fear by living in the problem, but then I would have missed out on the beauty and inspiration quietly waiting for me in the solution. Left to my own devices, I would have seen the world through tangled cobwebs to the point of acting out; but because I stayed vigilant and used the tools of SA, my attitude shifted my vision to a beautiful praying mantis who symbolized my Higher Power’s loving presence amid my uncertainty.
Thank you for letting me share!