I had early childhood experiences that would probably be considered steps in the formation of homosexuality. Despite these early experiences, I saw myself as heterosexual. When my sexaholism began to exhibit itself, it was through straight porn, phone sex, and strip clubs.

Early in my marriage, I became aware of my same sex attraction (SSA). There were men at my church and at work that I just had to look at. I could not help it and I was drawn to them. It seemed harmless, though, because I didn’t sexualize it then. But I began sexualizing my SSA about seven years ago, around when I turned forty. Not only did I look at men, I thought about having sex with two particular men. One was an acquaintance and the other was a co-worker. This was distressing at first. It was involuntary. I don’t know where it came from and I kept beating myself up about it. There came a time when I seemed to tolerate the thought of having sex with them. Eventually I was entertained by the thought.

My SSA began involuntarily, but I began deliberately conditioning myself to have sexual response to other men besides the original two. I told myself that I was “training” myself to be bisexual. I didn’t feel I was gay. I figured that it was okay to be bi. I was looking for a fix wherever I could find it. These quotes from the White Book seem applicable in my life: “The more I indulged, the broader the spectrum of possibilities for feeding the obsession, including crossing the gender line” (“A Personal Story,” page 16). “And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, including gender” (“A Personal Point of View,” page 42). Now, as I’m trying to maintain my sobriety, I feel buffeted from all sides. My search for “more, better, different” has definitely complicated my life.

Lately, I’ve been taking my renewed interest in women as a sign that my SSA is waning. It could be, but it shows my lust is still in full force. Lust is the motivating power in my inappropriate sexual interest in women and in my SSA. My masturbation, pornography use, fantasy, and SSA are all symptoms of the same disease. That disease is lust.

SSA is only a part of my sex addiction. For that reason I chose to attend Sexaholics Anonymous instead of a program specifically for SSA. I have only shared my SSA issues with those who attended my First Step Inventory, because I have noticed some intolerance in my local group toward people with SSA. Those few people I have shared this with have been supportive. My experience in Sexaholics Anonymous has been very positive. Currently, I have a little over a year of sobriety. I owe this to the Grace of God and the Fellowship of my local group.