Before I could truly work Step Eleven, I had to first find the God of my understanding. This was not easy for me. Even though I had worked the previous ten Steps with my sponsor, I realized that I still was not able to have conscious contact with God in any meaningful way. So I decided to look harder for the God of my understanding.

I soon realized that one of the major obstacles to my relationship with God was that I didn’t really know who God was for me. This became quite apparent when I met with a spiritual mentor for the first time and she asked me who God was to me. I really didn’t know. She told me how she experienced God in her life and gave me a couple of suggestions for books I could read that might help me figure this out for myself.

As I read one of the books, I started to see how I understood God—and how that understanding was not supporting my recovery. This book presented a completely different understanding of God and I quickly saw how a similar concept of God could help me in my recovery. At the same time, I was again working Steps One, Two, and Three with my sponsor—this time specifically around my temptations with Internet pornography—using Step into Action as my guide. The combination of Step work, reading, and spiritual direction helped me to see that I was seeking a deep, personal relationship with God and that if I wanted such a relationship, I would have to devote significant time and energy to it.

Soon after this understanding came another insight that is helping to improve my relationship with God. I realized that for years I had been asking God to help me stay sober. That is akin to saying that I can keep myself sober with some help from God. This is not fully accepting my powerlessness. If I am truly powerless over lust, then only God can keep me sober. I only need do my part and God will do what He has promised to do. One of the most important components of doing my part is admitting my powerlessness and surrendering completely to God—each and every day—allowing Him to work His miracle in my life.

Truly, God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. Today, I look forward to spending as much time in prayer and meditation as I can each day, getting to know God better and improving my conscious contact with Him. I look for opportunities for connecting with Him throughout the day. My computer’s screensaver displays pictures of the cosmos to remind me of the Creator. I make program calls throughout the day to hear the voice of God through others in the fellowship. I provide service to the fellowship, welcoming newcomers and carrying God’s message of love and hope to them. And every day that I continue these practices, more and more of the promises come true in my life.

Most days I feel surrounded by God’s love. When I do not, I take an action to reconnect—as quickly as I can. For, as it says in the White Book, if I don’t find my true Connection, I will lose myself (93). Thank God I have this program and this fellowship to help me find my true Connection—to help me find God.