Thirty years ago in SA I had an awful experience working on my Fourth Step. I focused solely on my defects of character and acting out behaviors. As I wrote I reacted in shame and acted out sexually. I couldn’t connect with any hope that I could get well or notice the hand of God working in my life. I was worse off after completing my Fourth Step than I was before I started it!

Recently, I re-did my Fourth Step, and I used a different model. My Dad was an accountant, and I assisted him on more than one audit. Part of the process included doing a physical inventory, culminating with three values for each product. First, we would go to a warehouse and count the number of different items that were actually present, making a distinction between those items that were in good shape and those that were damaged. Then, we would check the company’s record of how many items should have been on site. When the paper count was higher than the physical amount, we calculated how many were missing.

For my latest Fourth Step, I used the framework of good, damaged, and missing. I looked at different chapters in the history of my life. I started by reflecting on what was good about my life during that time. This helped me to see God’s grace and activity in my life, even though I was a mess in other areas. God was loving to me and had my best interests at heart even when I was practicing a double life and being a jerk. I became aware of a God who honored me and wanted a personal relationship with me.

With the foundation of God’s redeeming effort in my life, I could then process both the damage that was in my soul and the damage that I had inflicted on others. I had done some pretty awful things to a wide variety of people, even with long-term sobriety. I was not triggered this time. I would feel drained emotionally and physically, but my soul was not downcast or disturbed. Rather, I was at a place where I could better see and act on the repair work that I still needed for those I had injured. I was able to rejoice as I looked on the character defects that the Spirit helped me to work on. Thank God, I am not where I was!

Lastly, I looked at what was missing. This is not always easy. My Mom died when I was quite young. I was severely wounded that God wouldn’t answer an eight-year old’s prayer to heal his mother. I had a hole in my soul for my mother’s love. I came to realize that God brought a number of older women into my life, especially when I was single, who loved me as if I were biologically their son. I was able to mourn what I had been missing, and then rejoice in God’s provision.

I could have been a poster child for “Half measures availed us nothing.” I was a slow learner in sexual recovery. I hope my experience will help others work a good Fourth Step sooner than I did.