Going constantly around and around in the ride of ups and downs of selfish gains and losses was broken by a third option—getting off the ride through surrender.

I was meditating and praying while putting my son to sleep today, and a metaphor came to my mind for living in the bondage of self.

Living in the bondage of self is like riding a carousel. A carousel is an amusement park ride with fake horses that people (usually children) can sit on and ride. The horses are mounted to poles which move up and down while the entire circular structure spins around a central axis.

The motion of the horse up and down is similar to the emotional ups and downs of getting my way and not getting my way. I’m up when things are going my way, and I’m down when things don’t. It’s an endless cycle—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly—the cycle continues. 

The circular motion of the carousel symbolizes the endless monotony and futility of my life run on self-will: constantly thinking that this year, or this spin, will bring the happiness and satisfaction I’ve always been looking for. Finally, I will get what I want and be happy. But what happens? I spin around again and find it is the same stuff as last time, just in a different form.

The things I was seeking did not lead to the happiness I wanted, or it was short-lived, and now I need the next thing. I am still on the carousel, and there is nothing new: just the endless ups and downs as we spin around and around.

Having a spiritual awakening is like stopping the carousel and getting off. All of a sudden, life is open to me! There is a whole world of possibility waiting to be explored! New things and new experiences with old things and old relationships. No more of the endless “I want, I don’t want; I like, I don’t like; this is good, this is bad; this is right, this is wrong; this should be happening, this shouldn’t be happening”—up and down, up and down. There is a newfound openness to life and experience. A curiosity about what God might be doing and providing in each moment. A freshness that brings light and brightness to an old reality. It was always here, but now, I am here too. 

As we trust God and cease to be ruled by our fears and selfishness, all of a sudden there is opportunity for newness. No longer slaves to the same routines and the same boxes of fear, our self-imposed limits are shed, and the result is a freedom I never knew could be mine—a freedom born of surrender and trust in a God of love. A grace and freedom that was always mine but just now accepted. 

No more round and round. Every day is new. Every day is fresh. It is not the same. It is alive, awake, and living!

The Twelve Steps hold the key to the door. This freedom and life are for all!